Ficlets from Tumblr
by fezwearingjellybananas
Summary: A series of unrelated drabbles that have occurred centring around the Avengers and Agents of SHIELD.
1. Languages of the Avengers

When Sam entered Avengers Towers, he expected to hear American. Instead, he heard Natasha yelling at Hawkeye in Russian while he made hand gestures back. Sam realised he was using American Sign Language.

Steve showed him around, first showing him the upstairs living quarters where Thor was speaking conversing in Norwegian with Doctor Slevig.

Downstairs, Tony Stark waved, signalling he was talking to someone in rapid French.

Doctor Banner was also talking to someone, this time in person, a small child to which Steve shrugged on the appearance, but it looked like he was helping her. He turned to her mother, explaining what was happening, but Sam didn't know what he was saying because he was speaking Spanish.

Then there was Steve. When the tour was up and everyone was settled down for dinner, Clint and Tony started a food fight. Natasha stopped it with a look and Steve muttered under his breath, probably something about childish behaviour, but Sam couldn't understand him.

"What language is that?"

"Pardon?"

"The language you were muttering in."

"Irish. My mam used to use it at home."

Sam nodded, continuing with dinner.

It looked like being bilingual was essential to being an Avenger.

* * *

_Based off:Steve Rogers is actually bilingual. With his parents being Irish immigrants, he was able to pick up Irish-Gaelic from his mother growing up, only able to hear and speak it around their home. Even now with the Avengers, he doesn't really speak it, save to mumble it under his breath to get away with letting out a curse or complaint with the others being none the wiser. To still get to hear it with the power of youtube and speak it to himself, it's like a familiar comfort and homage to his heritage (Bland Marvel Headcanons)_

* * *

**Author's Note: Basically, this is a collection of all of the drabbles that turn up when things appear in my head related to Avengers and Agents of SHIELD. They've all been posted on tumblr, but I thought I'd stick them in one place. As they continue to appear, I'll add them here as well.**

**There won't be regular updating to this story, I do apologise for that, it's all very random and none of these chapters are related.**

**Now to just scroll through everything and find everything (this is why tagging helps, but I think I missed a few)**

**Also, I think 99% of these are from Bland Marvel Headcanons. Blandness may occur. And kudos to the people that come up with the headcanons.**


	2. Bird Puns

"Sam Wilson, Clint Barton."

"Nice to meet you."

"It's a pleasure.I'm Hawkeye."

"Falcon."

"Well, birds of a feather, both of us have bird names, we're practically brothers."

"This meeting turned out better than expected. Steve said I should probably prepare myself, but I thought it would easier to wing it."

"Prepare yourself? Did I say that?"

"Well, we'll just have to tweet how well this meeting's going."

"Clint, you don't even have a Twitter account, what kind of spy uses social media? Think of a better one."

"Almost couldn't make it, I've been a little under the weather, but I've had some tweetment."

"What? Sam, when were you ill? What is going on?"

"I have a very strong imune system. Lost my voice once, but I didn't really give a hoot."

"Oh, that one was bad, should by Ill-eagle."

"So, I hear you helped these two lovebirds defeat HYDRA."

"It was one undercover kiss, it wasn't like I wanted to kiss her. It was entirely Natasha's idea, just to draw attention away from us."

"Yeah. Attacking from the undercover. Fowl play or what?"

"Right, that's enough you two."

"Oh, come on Nat, one more tern."

"Why did we decide to introduce you two?" Steve asked.

"Because it as a great idea," Sam said, grinning at Clint.

"No, it really wasn't. Those were awful. Truly, truly terrible."

"And now you know why I didn't call Clint for help Steve," Natasha said. "It's Clint, it can only end in puns. This way it just avoided puns while we were busy."

"Nat, I'm hurt you think so badly of me. I would have taken thing seriously. You know, while HYDRA were attacking. Then it would have just been puns, yes."

"And there is nothing wrong with that," Sam said. "Same time tomorrow?"

"How about a rousing dawn chorus? No, that one was awful."

"Terrible. Think we can find any that worse?"

"Defiantly."

"I'm going to regret this, aren't I?" Steve said.

"I did try to warn you Cap," Natasha said.

"What do you mean you're going to regret this?" Clint asked. "You mean you don't already? We're going to have to do something about that my feathered friend."

"Indeed we will my nest buddy. Indeed we will."

* * *

_Based off: Steve immediately regretted introducing Sam and Clint when they decided they were only going to communicate with bird puns. Natasha tried to warn him, there was a reason she hadn't called him when they took down HYDRA. It was Clint, it could only end in puns. Terrible puns. (Bland Marvel Headcanons)_


	3. Agents of Whovians

"Quick, in here, now."

"Fitz, what are you doing?"

"Jemma, is there enough space behind the sofa?"

"Of course there is Fitz. Cushions and blankets as well."

"Fantastic."

"You brought everyone?"

"I did."

"Ten minutes till it starts."

"Simmons, are you wearing a fez?"

"Why, yes Skye. Yes I am."

"Why?"

"I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool." Fitz and Simmons high fived.

"What are you two doing?" Coulson asked. "And Fitz, what on Earth are they?"

"Fish Fingers and custard. Proper ones too, We made sure we had enough custard powder when we stopped off in Britain a few months ago. Come on, everyone sit."

"What for?" Trip asked.

"Doctor Who," Simmons said.

"Doctor What?" Coulson asked.

"No sir, Doctor Who. Oh, it's brilliant. Everyone ends up behind the sofa, but it's fantastic. Would you like a Jelly Baby?"

"Perhaps some celery?"

"Is this some strange British custom?" May asked.

"Actually, it's popular worldwide now, did you not see the Fiftieth? It was in cinemas and everything," Simmons said. "Fitz and I went to watch it in cosplay. I was Eleven, he was Nine."

"Got to love Nine."

"Nine? Eleven?" Trip asked. "Those are some weird names."

"Well, technically he's just called the Doctor," Simmons explained.

"But there are different incarnations of him as he regenerates instead of dies," Fitz continued.

"So we tend to refer to them by number. There's One through to Eleven, also the War Doctor, who was a very recent addition, last November. Oh, that was a good episode. Gallifrey."

"I know Simmons. But tonight's the first episode of the new Doctor, Peter Capaldi, who's Twelve. And it's so exciting because it's a new Doctor and a new start and it's going to be brilliant."

"I do hope they start getting clues about how to get Gallifrey back this series. Wouldn't that be fantastic, to have other Time Lords again. Perhaps they could reintroduce Romana?"

"Quick Simmons, it's starting!"

The two Brits jumped down. Skye, Trip, Coulson and May joined them.

The episode played through, Fitz and Simmons jumping for joy as it ended.

"He's going to be so good."

"The dinosaur."

"I know, that was so sad. At least we had Strax humour to make up for it."

"That cameo though, I almost started crying."

"So many parallels with other episodes."

"Madame de Pompadour."

"I know. And who is that?"

"She's got to be a Time Lord."

"Missy, could be short for Mistress."

"Fitz, she's not the Master."

"She could be."

"She could be an alternate version of River Song."

"She seems too sinister to be River, no, River died in the library, it's not River. It could be Tasha Lem."

"I doubt it. What about the Rani, she could be the Rani."

"Or she could be someone completely new."

"We won't find out till the last episodes of the series, will we?"

"No. Moffat does love keeping us guessing."

"A lizard woman and a human were kissing," Trip said. "Is that normal?"

"Oh, Vastra and Jenny?" Simmons said. "They're married, been established for quite a while now. And she's a Silurian."

"And there was a talking potato?" Coulson asked.

"Strax," Fitz said. "Sontaran. Most of them are bad, Strax is good."

"And a dinosaur," Skye said.

"Yes, that was unexpected, wasn't it?" Simmons asked. "But such a sad end."

"Plus a time travelling box," May said.

"The TARDIS. She travels through time and space and she's disguised as a police box from 1963. Jemma. Pudding brains."

"I know. Same time next week all of you."

"I think we'll pass," Skye said. "That was just weird."

"But there's Daleks next week," Fitz protested. "You have to see the Daleks."

"What are Daleks?" May asked.

"Pepper Pots of Doom. Wait, not that Pepper Potts, actual Pepper Pots. They're wheelie bins with plungers and a whisk."

"Fitz, you're not making them sound scary enough. Daleks are terrifying."

"Exterminate. Exterminate."

"You'll all just have to watch next week and find out. Oh, it was Daleks that had me behind the sofa."

"Daleks have everyone behind the sofa."

"Next week then," Coulson said. "Just to stop you two going on and on."

"They loved it," Fitz said after everyone had gone.

"Yep."

* * *

_Based off: Jemma and Fitz make Coulson, Skye, and Mae watch Doctor Who Saturday nights. They all pretend they hate it, but in reality they can hardly wait for the newest episodes. (Bland Marvel Headcanons)_


	4. Clint the Questioner

"Everyone, this is my friend, James Buchanan Barnes. Most people call him Bucky though."

"Hi. Natasha Romanoff."

"Greetings. It as an honour to meet a friend of Captain Rogers. I am Thor."

"Sam Wilson."

"Bruce Banner. Nice to meet you."

"Tony Stark?"

"Like Howard?"

"He was my dad."

"Oh."

"I'm Clinton Barton. But most people call me Clint. Or Hawkeye. Whichever you want."

Bucky cocked his head, unsure of what Clint meant. He simply smiled back.

* * *

Bucky was confused by the young archer. All of Steve's friends were civil towards him, even Tony Stark, who Bucky thought would be cross with him for playing a part in his father's death.

But Clint just seemed odd. He asked all these strange questions all the time.

"Do you prefer red or blue?"

"I was looking at a cat shelter the other day, just thinking. Prefer dogs myself. I could name a dog, but not a cat I don't think. What would you name a cat?"

"Orange or apple juice? Tony wants me to order the shopping."

"What are your favourite Oreos?"

"Grape or jelly?"

"James or Bucky?"

"So, do you prefer the 1940s or now?"

It was a while before Bucky cornered him.

It was the middle of the night and Bucky couldn't sleep, so he headed down to the kitchen. Clint was in there as well.

"Fancy a midnight snack? I've got cookies."

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Ask so many questions."

"Because I know what it's like."

"What what's like?"

"Steve told you about Loki and the Chitauri, yes?"

"Yes."

"Loki had me under some kind of mind control. I did things I regret, killed good men, friends. But it wasn't my choice. It was Loki. It took me a while, but eventually, I realised that it wasn't my fault. Nat talked me round. But I kept panicking that he was going to take control of my mind again and the way I got over that was by always having a choice. I kept made sure I always had two types of juice, two different places to sit, always a choice. And that helped. Because it meant I knew that I was in control of my mind."

"So why do you ask me these questions?"

"Because you were brainwashed by HYDRA and they took away your choice. You feel like you were responsible for all the deaths, deaths of your friends as well, and you're not. And you don't believe that you're not because you remember doing it. So, you need a choice of things. It'll help you realise that those things weren't your fault because you didn't have a choice. HYDRA made you do them. And you worry that you're going to revert back to the programming they did and try and kill Steve, forget all of this. That's why I ask you questions. Because sometimes you might just need reminding that you're James Buchanan Barnes instead of the Winter Soldier."

"Bucky. Everyone always calls me Bucky."

"Which do you prefer? James or Bucky?"

He thought for a minute.

"Bucky."

"Well then Bucky. Chocolate or raisin?"

* * *

_Based off: Even though Steve is his rock, it's Clint who really helps bring Bucky back. He understands losing your mind to someone else, and all the fear and guilt and paranoia that comes with it. He knows how to help Bucky deal with it all. One thing he has Bucky do is make decisions and have opinions. little things like "red or blue?" "What would you name a cat?" "Grape or jelly?" To remind him that he is in control of his own mind._


	5. Steve's Tea

"Coffee Steve?"

"I think I'll have a tea actually Tony, if that's all right."

"We have tea?"

"Pepper bought tea," Bruce said. "There's some herbal ones and plain ones."

"Plain please. Milk, no sugar."

"Why do you drink tea?" Tony asked, making a face.

"We all did. Peggy insisted we at least try it. Howard had a sip and made exactly the same face you're making now. I quite liked it."

"Milk?"

"She always said it was better when we could get milk. But no sugar. That was her favourite. Bucky drank it black. I don't think he actually liked it though, it just tasted better than mud. Bucky wasn't fussy. Peggy wasn't either, but that's the way she liked it. Howard used to joke he only liked tea when it was made from coffee beans. You're a bit like him in that way."

"So you drink the same tea as Peggy does," Tony asked. "The two of you often share a drink?"

"When she could get a pot, yes. And we used to have fondue with Howard."

"Fondue?"

Bruce passed Steve a mug and he took a sip. Not the same as Peggy's, but still pretty good.

"Thanks. Yes Tony, fondue. It's just bread and cheese."

* * *

_Based off: Steve drinks tea, it's a hangover of his time in Europe, particularly with Peggy. Milk, no sugar. Same as her. (Bland Marvel Headcanons)_

* * *

**(Last chapter was also from Bland Marvel Headcanons, I think I forgot to put that.)**


	6. Mini Bus and Hydration

Grant Ward was not the best janitor in the world. But if was the only way to prove he wanted to be good again, he was going to do it. So when he was washing the inside of the windows on the Bus and he slipped over a wet patch, spilling the rest of the water onto a plane sitting on Coulson's desk (a model of the Bus, really?) neither Grant nor Skye (who had been watching him just in case) were really surprised.

They were slightly more surprised by the man that seemed to grow until he was stood on Coulson's desk.

"Er, hi?" he said.

"Skye, you get Coulson," Grant said, stepping in between the two of them.

"You're not armed," she argued, "Wouldn't it make more sense for me to stay and you to find Coulson?"

"I could find Coulson," the man said. "The model's very accurate, I know where everything is. Tony made it, Director Fury let him check everything was the highest quality possible before giving the Bus to Phil. He's not supposed to know he's alive, but I told them anyway. I think that's why Fury put Nat on Steve watch and me on Phil watch. Have you any idea how hard it is to get food without anyone noticing?"

"Who are you?" Skye asked.

Just at that moment Coulson walked in and answered Skye's question.

"Clint?"

"Hi Phil."

"How did you get here?"

"He appeared sir, I accidently spilt water on the Bus."

"He hydrated me. Get it, because he was-"

"You appeared? Where were you before?"

"Oh, I've been living on Mini Bus since the beginning, Nick wanted me to keep an eye on you. And I think I was chosen because I may have told the other Avengers that you're alive because being shrunk down and living on a model plane isn't the most comfortable experience. On the bright side, if you don't shrink the food a slice of pizza can last about six meals. That's at least two days. And if you do shrink the pizza down, Tony always dropped in with several boxes so there was still plenty."

"Stark's been here?"

"Yeah, everyone's been tiny little bit using the Mini Bus to hide from bad guys. Think everyone's been. Tiny Hulk would be the cutest thing ever, except I was still tiny, so he still looked big to me. He's really sweet though, when he's not angry."

"The Avengers have been dropping in and out of my office to hide from bad guys, shrunk down, and living in a model plane."

"Yep."

"Just when I thought life couldn't get any weirder. Did anyone know?"

"Well, if anyone did they didn't bring me food. I think it was just Nick and the Avengers. Unless Nick didn't and it was Nat's idea. Tony built the model Bus but Nick stuck it on the real Bus. Either way, I had to rely on visiting Avengers for food."

"You're hungry, aren't you?"

"You know me so well."

"Fitz and you are going to eat me out of plane and home."

"Wait, if you were here when Garrett took our plane, why didn't you do anything?" Skye asked.

"Because I was half an inch tall and couldn't get off the desk. I managed to tell Nick you lot might need him though. Well, I told Steve, who told Natasha, who told Tony who asked Bruce what they should do, who advised Tony to tell Maria, who told Nick, who picked up Fitz and Simmons signal but had remembered to bring the Destroyer thing. Also Thor's living with Jane Foster if you need him, he's visited a few times too."

"So, you've been living on a model of our plane inside our plane and haven't been any help at all because you were too short to get off the desk," Grant summerised.

"That about sums it up."

"It's SHIELD Ward," Phil said. "Nothing is normal, particularly not when Hawkeye's involved. Just, maybe, try not to spill water on things in the future. We don't want you hydrating anyone else."

"Yes sir."

* * *

_Based off: _

_anonymous said:_

_The reason no one's seen Hawkeye since the Avengers is because he's been shrunk down and living on Mini Bus, checking on Coulson. He's only discovered when Ward accidently hydrates him back up to full size while cleaning as part of his reformation._

_agents-of-frickle-frackle answered:_

_imagine if all of the avengers hung out in the mini bus tho_

_like to hide from bad guys_

_and_

_also_

_GRANT WARD THE JANITOR_

_IM CRYING?_

_(agents-of-frickle-frackle)_

* * *

**Author's Note: Hey look, it's not Bland Marvel Headcanons and everyone who hasn't already should definitely look up agents-of-fickle-frackle because she's amazing and the jokes on there are brilliant.**


	7. The Fire Alarm

"Er, Bruce?"

"Yeah Tony?"

"Is that supposed to be glowing?"

"No."

"What about smoking?"

"Probably not."

"It's on fire, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"Woops."

At that moment the alarms proceeded to go off and the two of them ran out the lab.

"What's going on?" Steve asked as the Avengers gathered outside.

"Bruce and I kind of maybe tiny bit set the lab on fire. Dummy, You and Butterfingers are still in there."

"Tony, the robots will be fine," Bruce said.

"Where's Clint?" Natasha asked.

"He mentioned having a shower after he returned from his mission," Thor said. "He should be down shortly."

"He's in the shower?"

"That is what he said."

"He's still inside."

"Clint, Dummy, Butterfingers and You are all in there?"

"Tony, priorities."

"My babies. Jarvis, I need the suit."

"Sir, Dummy would like me to inform you that he has managed to put out the fire with the fire extinguisher."

"Jarvis, it's safe inside?" Bruce asked.

"It is Doctor Banner, Dummy extinguished the fire shortly after you and Sir left the lab."

"We need to find Clint."

The Avengers all ran upstairs to his room, where they heard an actually quite good voice coming from the shower. Steve knocked down the door, something which Clint seemed to ignore.

"Clint?" he asked. "Are you okay?" Still nothing. Natasha tapped him and an incredibly high pitched shriek was heard as he turned around, grabbing a towel to cover as much of himself as possible. "There was a fire alarm? The tower was on fire?"

"What?"

"Tony and Bruce set fire to the lab."

"It was an accident," Tony protested. "And Dummy saved us. You sing pretty well."

"I can't hear you."

"We're right here."

"I still can't hear you. I'm deaf. I can't hear anything with my hearing aids."

"What?" Steve asked.

"Do you think we could have this conversation when I'm not naked in the shower?"

"Right, yeah. Everyone out."

"None of you have a spare towel do you?"

"I'll get one," Natasha said.

When Clint was dressed the Avengers gathered in the kitchen, Tony bringing up Dummy (and You and Butterfingers), who had been crowned hero of the hour, something he seemed very happy about.

"Explanations," Tony said. "You almost died. If it wasn't for Dummy here, you would be dead."

"Thank you very much Dummy." The robot patted him on the head. "I have 80% hearing loss from an explosion when I was younger. So I wear hearing aids. Took them out to have a shower, didn't hear the alarm."

"We thought you were going to die."

"You were more worried about your robots," Natasha said. "If the tower had burnt down, that would be who you were sad about losing."

"I was going to get the suit and save him."

"Is that before or after you had saved Dummy, Butterfingers and You?"

"Probably first. He needs oxygen. How come you didn't tell us?"

"It doesn't really crop in conversation. I was going to. It was just a matter of finding the right words or waiting for one of you to notice the hearing aids or the fact that I don't always hear what you're saying."

"I am building you a vibrating thing for your bed and shower so next time we set something on fire you actually work out there's things on fire."

"I would have smelt it before it got to the room, then I could have jumped out the window."

"With no clothes on," Natasha pointed out.

"It wouldn't be the first time."

"I don't know what to say to that," Bruce said. "Do you regularly jump out windows naked?"

"Not regularly."

"Well, we're glad you're all right," Steve said. "As to next time these two set the tower on fire, let's hope it doesn't happen again, shall we Tony, Bruce?"

"Yes Steve."

"Yes Steve."

"Good."

"At least if it does we've got Dummy to save everyone."

* * *

_Based off: No one knew Clint was deaf, not until they'd been living in the Tower for a few weeks and Tony and Bruce accidently set the lab on fire. Thanks to Dummy's quick skills with fire extinguisher it didn't spread, but it still set the alarms off. Clint was the only one that didn't respond, they found him in the shower, completely oblivious to their presence until Natasha tapped him on the shoulder. The result was the most undignified shriek ever followed by an explanation. (Bland Marvel Headcanons)_


	8. Skye Barton

"And this is Skye, our newest agent and SHIELD's resident hacker."

"Just Skye?" Clint asked Coulson.

"Just Skye."

"Well, Just Skye, it's nice to meet you."

"And you Agent Barton. Erm… Wow. You're Hawkeye. I saw you at New York, what you did it was, er, pretty cool."

"Melinda May's your S.O.?"

"Yeah."

"Done weapons training?"

"Yes."

"Ever used a bow?"

"No."

"Then you haven't done weapons training. Come on."

Coulson found them three hours later, laughing together, in the range. Skye went to join Trip while Clint came over.

"Can I keep her?"

"No."

"Please?"

"She's my agent, you can't keep her."

"Fine."

* * *

Clint spent the next few days at the SHIELD base, spending most of his time with the younger agents, probably corrupting them. The fact Barton hadn't caused any trouble yet was the most surprising thing to Coulson, although he expected that had something to do with a certain Barbara Morse being present.

* * *

It was a few weeks later and Barton was with Coulson while some of the others went on a mission (he was too recognisable after New York, Coulson argued. Barton pouted, but agreed to stay back and let Skye, Hunter, May and Trip handle it). Skye was in the room with the HYDRA agents, Trip and Hunter positioned as snipers while May was waiting for a signal that Skye needed help. The listening devices were operational It should be an easy mission.

_"You're SHIELD." _

_"Yep. Sorry, didn't introduce myself. Agent Skye Barton. SHIELD."_

Barton (Clint) stuck his tongue out at Coulson.

"I said you couldn't keep her."

"But you didn't say I couldn't adopt her in a little sister way."

It was a look of pride that appeared on Clint's face as they listened to the sounds of the mission going off without a hitch.

* * *

_Based off: Clint adopts Skye as his younger sister when they meet. He said it was one of the greatest feelings ever to hear her introduce herself as Skye Barton. (Bland Marvel Headcanons)_


	9. Thor and the Toaster

"What is this foul contraption?"

"That would be the toaster Thor."

"It has stolen your bread."

"No it hasn't."

"Ahh!" Thor pointed his hammer at it as the toast popped up again. "What are you creature?"

"It makes toast. It's fine. It's supposed to do that."

Tony left him making faces at it, going to find something to cover his toast with.

* * *

"Is it magic?"

"No, it's a car."

"A car."

"It's a horseless carriage."

"But then how does it run?"

"With an engine, under here."

"So it is magic."

"No, it's simple mechanics."

"Magic."

"Fine."

* * *

"The tiny people, they are trapped inside that box Friend Stark, we must rescue them!"

"No Thor, it's a television, they're not actually inside. It's just a movie."

"But the boy, he needs rescuing, he's going to drown!"

"What are you even- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He'll be fine."

"How do you know? Do you see the future?"

"No, I've seen the movie before."

"What it this movie?"

"A series of moving pictures."

"So the tiny people are not inside the box?"

"No. Actually, how about we don't watch this one? Let's see, erm, Jarvis?"

* * *

"The man who lives inside your wall."

"Jarvis. Who isn't a man."

"A woman? I am sorry Lady Jarvis, I didn't know."

"What, no, Jarvis is a guy, I mean Jarvis isn't a guy, he's a computer program."

"What is this computer you speak of? More magic?"

"It's a system which can do things for humans. It's technology again."

"You are skilled with magic on Midgard."

"Not actually- Fine. Thanks."

* * *

"Friend Stark, this creature is leaking. Eye of Hawk touched it and it must be hurt."

"It's a tap Thor. It's supposed to give out water. That's it's job. Do you not even have taps?"

"A mysterious creature indeed. What do you feed it?"

"Nothing, it doesn't need feeding."

"Ah, a plant. I see. Do you grow many?"

"No, it's not- Yes. Yes, there are whole buildings who just grow taps."

* * *

"I can't do it. Ms Foster clearly hasn't explained Earth culture to him. I can't do it Bruce."

"Give him a break, he is an alien."

"He thought the tap was a plant."

"Well, explain it to him then."

"I'm trying, but he just assumes everything is magic or alive, I can't keep doing it. You explain something for once. I had to turn off Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."

"Why?"

"He thought there were actual people trapped in the set. IMagine if he saw that bit and decided to try and break them out."

"Fair enough. It's getting late, Pepper will kill you if you don't sleep."

"Fine, I'm going."

* * *

Tony woke up early that morning and decided to head downstairs to make a coffee. The tower kind of smelt like toast, but it must have been his imagination. Six, no one was up at six, were they?

Clearly someone was, because he heard laughing through the door..Two people talking about, er, Doctor Who? Clint then. Maybe Natasha? No, that was a male voice. Not Bruce, Bruce would be down in the lab if he was up, Clint would probably go and throw cereal at him later. Steve maybe?

Clint was sat at the table with a coffee.

"Look who's awake. You're early. Normally no one's up for another half hour at least yet. You're not up for another three."

"How do get up so early?"

"I've been getting up for the crack of dawn since I was a kid. I always do."

"Well, good for you. Hi Ste- Thor?"

"Think we've been rumbled Thor."

"Are you using the toaster?"

"Indeed. It's a wonderful invention, isn't it?"

"You can use the toaster."

"Yes."

"You knew the whole time, didn't you."

"Um, yes."

"You completely understand technology."

"Asgard is more advanced than you in some areas. And I spent a few days with Jane in New Mexico, and then again in London."

"Right. I'm going to get a coffee and then go to my workshop."

"Would you care for some toast?"

* * *

_Based off: Thor spent the first six months in Avengers Tower having to have Midgardian references explained to him, help using the technology and so on. Everyone kept telling Tony to be patient with him, he was an alien after all, and he didn't work out anything was up until he went to the kitchen at six in the morning to find Thor making toast and discussing the latest episode of Doctor Who with Clint over a cup of coffee. Which is why Thor is in the lead for the 'who can mess with Tony the most' award. (Bland Marvel Headcanons)_


	10. FitzSimmons & a Muppets Christmas Carol

I just don't see the point in it Fitz. What's it accomplishing?"

"Erm, everyone being happy and nice to each other? Also food. There's lots of food. They're having a lunch, everyone from Ops, Communications and Sci-Tech is going. Every agent in the Academies who haven't gone home anyway. It means I can sleep past six and there's no competitions or anything, just people being nice."

"All it does is mean we have one day less in the lab. We could be making scientific breakthroughs, instead we have to spend money and spend time with family, or in this case trainee SHIELD agents, and why?"

"You're such a grumpypuss Simmons. Did you not enjoy Christmas when you were little?"

"Well, yes, but that's when I was a child who didn't know better, why do we still have to get all crazy about Christmas now?"

"Scrooge."

"I enjoy Dickens as much as the next person Fitz, but I still don't see why I can't just go to the lab anyway."

"Grumpy old Scrooge. No one likes a Scrooge Simmons. We'll have to get you a hat."

"I'm not wearing a hat."

Simmons prepared herself for a day of theoretical science and doing all her set work on the 25th December, a boring day where she could go and prove things with experiments.

Instead Fitz turned up on her doorstep at seven o'clock in the evening on the 24th December and barged his way in.

"Right you, we're watching Muppet's Christmas Carol."

"Fitz, I told you, I don't care for all this fuss."

"You don't have a choice Simmons, you're watching it."

"I read the book, isn't that enough?"

"Simmons, this is not just another retelling of Charles Dickens's book. This is the Muppets version. This is a Christmas masterpiece. Christmas does not begin until you have watched Muppets Christmas Carol."

"Fine, you can put it on, but I still don't see the point."

"Spoilsport."

Fitz caught Simmons giving a little smile at the end.

It was followed by "It's a Wonderful Life" (and Fitz might or might not have cried), "Miracle on 34th Street" then (much to Simmons's protests) Fitz put Muppets on again, then "The Santa Clause" (which involved Fitz not so subtly coughing out "Father Christmas" every time they referred to him as Santa) by which point Simmons had completely forgotten about the science. That film played all the way through the credits and it was at this point Simmons realised it was two in the morning and Fitz was asleep on her floor. Snoring.

Fitz's first thought upon waking up was lunch.

"We didn't miss it, did we Simmons? oh, why am I asking you, you're a grumpuss Scrooge."

"Fitz, it's only ten."

"But I didn't put the turkey in yet. Simmons, I was supposed to get up at six and put the turkey in."

"You said SHIELD were having a dinner."

"Oh thank goodness, I didn't miss the turkey."

"No Fitz, you didn't miss the turkey."

"So, we've got three hours. Oh yeah, you're a Scrooge. Nevermind, I'll find someone else to watch Muppets with."

"You watched it twice last night."

"And I have to watch it again."

"Go on then."

"Really?"

"Really."

"A Christmas Carol. Perfect way to unScroogify anyone. Especially with Muppets."

"Just stick the film on."

* * *

_Based off: _

_Anonymous asked:_

_Simmons is the grumpy scrooge because, ergh, why do they have to close her lab for a day? So Fitz turns up with millions of films and makes her watch Muppet's Christmas Carol at least three times._

_fitzsimmonsinthetardis:_

_Ugh I need this now. Can somebody write this! Please_


	11. The British Bonding Day

"Where's Hunter?" Bobbi asked. Skye gave her a look. "So I can avoid him."

"Haven't seen him all day. Come to think of it, I haven't seen Simmons either."

"Has anyone seen Fitz?" Trip asked.

"He took the day off," Coulson said. "As did Hunter and Simmons."

"Maybe he's trying to get them to Fitzsimmons again," Skye suggested.

"Hunter?" Bobbi asked. "Anything's possible I suppose. But didn't he say something about a match?"

* * *

"Come on England!" Hunter cheered, Simmons clapping to his left and Fitz sulking to his right.

"It was fluke."

"Cheer up Fitz."

"Oh sure, you take me to my first game in years, but you drag me to the England side and they score and you tell me to cheer up and- go on there Scotland!"

"It's just a friendly," Hunter said. "It's not important."

"It is if Scotland win."

Scotland lost.

* * *

"Can you find the, um, um, Marmite? Also Iron Bru."

"That's really bad for you," Simmons said.

"I don't care."

"You dragged us to Tesco, Simmons?" Hunter said. "Why? It's just grocery shopping, it's so- Jam doughnuts on special offer, couple of bags Fitz."

"Chocolate biscuits, those too," Simmons said. "Grab a couple Fitz?"

"Borbons?"

"Of course."

* * *

"Doctor Who reruns!"

"Simmons, we've seen this one-"

"A million times?"

"Exactly."

"So let's make it a million and one."

"Er, no," Hunter said, seeing the title card. "I'm not watching that one, you turn it off right now Simmons."

They all cried.

Even Hunter.

_Especially _Hunter.

* * *

"Six o'clock, you know what that means?"

"Dinner?"

"No Fitz, the news."

"It's the same everywhere," Hunter said.

"Except it's the BBC. And therefore, better."

"If they flipping bring up Scotland losing…"

* * *

"You know what next," Hunter said. "Eight o'clock Friday night."

"First round's on you," Simmons said.

"Oh no, I really, er, I really don't, I don't think that's a good idea," Fitz said.

"Come on mate, one pint," Hunter said. "You need to drown your sorrows."

"Bloody England."

"That's the spirit."

"No, that would be whiskey," Simmons giggled.

* * *

"Fitz?" Coulson asked, picking up his phone.

"Hi Dad, love to Mum, can you come and pick us up please, we're a wee bit drunk."

"Fitz, one, I'm not your dad, two, it's only ten pm. Are you all lightweights?"

"No, no, I don't think it is. Simmons, wait for me!"

The connection cut out.

"We need to pick up Fitz," Coulson said after he found May. "He sends you love. And he called you Mum."

"It's ten, how is he that drunk already?"

"Fitz is drunk?" Skye asked. "Can we come? I want to see Fitz drunk. Is he going to be grounded Mum? Did he call you Dad, Coulson?"

"That's classified," Coulson said. "And yes, you can come."

"Drunk by ten, lightweights."

"It's three over there," Bobbi said. "In the morning."

* * *

"My head." Hunter banged it down on the table. "Is killing me."

"Well that's not likely to help," Skye said. "It's your own fault."

"Simmons has got an iron stomach. Nine pints last night Skye. Nine. And she-"

"Fell asleep with you in a ditch?"

"That, oh that's tradition, come back from the pub and sleep in a ditch, or a hedge, that's normal. No she, bloody hell my head, I'll just show you the pictures."

"What?"

"I've got pictures."

"Of what?" Trip asked, walking into the kitchen. "How are you not dead?"

"I was SAS, I can handle Fitz, however pissed he is. From alcohol or Scotland losing."

"How much did you drink?"

"Only seven pints. Same as Fitz."

"Damn. Pictures?"

"Yeah."

Hunter scrolled through and they looked at the images of a grumpy Fitz watching football, plenty of food, one Simmons must clearly stolen his phone for as it showed Hunter and Fitz sitting down, bawling their eyes out at Donna's fate, until they reached the video.

"I'm not sure I can-"

"Woops, sorry Hunter, didn't see you there, what's this?" Bobbi snatched up his phone and pressed play.

_"Hi there. I'm physics, you're biology, what say we go and start some chemistry?" _Video-Fitz said, clearly drunk.

_"I'm a biochemist, not a biologist. If that's the best you can do, insult me…"_

_"Come on Simmons, you lump of copper telluride."_

_"That's what you're going for."_

_"Yeah, you know, because you're CuTe."_

_"You're such a flirt. And kind of hot."_

_"Baby, you're so hot you denature my enzymes."_

And then they were on top of each other.

"Yeah, and Fitz and Simmons might have made out a little bit," Hunter said.

"A little bit?" Skye asked.

"You know, just like half an hour snogging."

"We did what?" Simmons asked as her and Fitz entered the room. "Fitz?"

"Don't look at me, Hunter said I had to drown my sorrows."

"Er, Simmons?" Skye asked. "Care to explain this? There's pictures too."

"Lance Hunter, I'm going to kill you."

"I'll, er, I'll help," Fitz said. "Or maybe just watch. What video?"

"This one." Skye handed him the phone as hungover Hunter ran away from Simmons.

* * *

_Based off:_

_Anonymous asked:_

_Hunter grabs Simmons and Fitz and pulls them off to have a British day. They go to the football, to Tesco, to watch Doctor Who and the BBC News at Six, and finally they end up in a pub. Coulson gets a phone call at 3 in the morning. "Hi Dad, love to Mum, can you come pick us up please, we're a wee bit drunk." They arrive to find the 3 of them in a ditch asleep and photos on Hunter's phone of FitzSimmons making out and videos of Fitz coming up with bad science pick up lines. After that who knows?_

_agents-of-frickle-frackle:_

_dear marvel, pls give me british team bonding ok thanks bye~_


	12. Hunting the Birds

"Are you watching old re-runs of _Springwatch _again? Hunter, these are like ten years old. It's not even spring."

"Shush Bobbi. Look at him."

"Oh right, I forgot your man crush on Bill Oddie."

"It's not like that. I was talking about the bird. A beautiful kestrel. I wish I could see a kestrel."

"You're still fascinated by bird watching. Last time we went you held the binoculars the wrong way round and walked off a bridge into a river. You almost drowned."

"We don't talk about almost drowning when FitzSimmons are around Bobbi. And that's a large exaggeration. I am a perfectly capable swimmer, you did not need to jump in after me."

"Whatever. Point stands. Hunter, you are the worst bird watcher I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. Bill Oddie himself couldn't help you."

"How could you say such a thing? I'll prove you wrong Bobbi. I'll prove you all wrong."

"You're such a drama queen."

Hunter spun around and left, stalking out the room. Bobbi almost thought she heard sobs.

* * *

"Hello. If that's Stark, no I don't want you to upgrade my bow. If that's Natasha, I was busy and yes it was important. If it's Loki, get over here so I can-"

"Clint, it's me."

"Bobbi. What's up?"

"I upset Hunter."

"He's still crying about you and him?"

"No, stuff happened. I told him he was a terrible bird watcher."

"He is. Didn't he break his hide and scare them all away? That's just fact. The only thing that could have upset him is if you brought Bill Oddie into it."

"Um…"

"Bobbi, you didn't."

"I might have."

"I know just how to fix this."

* * *

"Why did you want to meet here Clint?"

"Hunter bird watches Saturday mornings over there. Give it a few minutes."

A man landed next to Clint and Bobbi couldn't help but notice the wings.

"Bobbi, Sam, Sam, Bobbi. She's Mockingbird, he's Falcon."

"What are we, the bird trio?" Sam asked. "What favour did you need?"

Clint pulled out a rather large rucksack.

"I have a plan."

* * *

Hunter sat miserably, not expecting to see anything. He never did. Maybe Bobbi was right. Maybe he should just give up.

An eagle flew across in front of him. It was just within sight without his binoculars.

Birds kept flying. All the birds Hunter had ever heard of. Hawks, hummingbirds, falcons, kestrels, tits, wrens, robins, flamingoes, gannets, gulls, kiwis and a penguin.

Which was probably strange seeing as most of them were birds that had been on _Springwatch._

And some of them really didn't look like birds.

Hunter lifted his binoculars to his eyes, but before he could do anything a call came in from Coulson.

* * *

Bobbi was annoyed. Skye had picked her up before she could get the thing off, so now she was fighting HYDRA agents dressed as a penguin.

At least Clint and Sam had been dragged down too, dressed as a flamingo and robin respectively, but they just kept making jokes about Sam looking for Batman.

Everyone raised their eyes when they arrived back at base, Fitz collapsing onto the floor with laughter.

Even May struggled to hide a chuckle.

Hunter was the last in and grabbed a camera, taking a picture of the three of them.

"The three of you spent that time flying for me?"

"When did you work out we weren't real birds?"

"When you had the same flight pattern and half the birds you found are little things and some aren't native to America. Kiwis and penguins can't even fly."

"Well don't look at me, I'm not a bird expert, I don't know why you expected me to know what I was doing Bobbi," Clint protested. "I only know the ones from when Hunter made me watch his bird programmes with him.

"It doesn't matter," Hunter said. "I'm not even that good at it. Once, I broke a telescope trying to focus it on a Peregrine Falcon. Thanks anyway."

"You caught three birds though," Bobbi said. "A Falcon, a Mockingbird and a Hawk. Eye. Hawkeye. Same thing. Call it a hawk anyway."

"I know a great bird watching spot," Sam said. "You can't not see birds, it is literally impossible. We could go."

"This will be worth it for the disaster," Bobbi said.

His camera broke, but he blamed Bobbi for that, she was the one who dropped it.

So he couldn't prove it, but Hunter reckoned he saw at least ten different bird species.

Today was a good day.

* * *

_Based off: _

_Anonymous asked:_

_Huntingbird kind of sounds like he's on a hunt for all the birds. Maybe Hunter is a really passionate bird watcher, trying to emulate his idol, Bill Oddie, but he's really bad at it. So Mockingbird asks Hawkeye what they can do to cheer Hunter up and he calls Falcon and they all dress up as birds and Sam flies them back and forth from afar to try and persuade Hunter he's actually seeing all these birds._

_agents-of-frickle-frackle:_

_that's just ridiculous enough for me to believe it oh my gOSH_


	13. FitzSimmons Fantasy AU

Leopold Fitz was up to his neck in grease.

Okay, that was a bit of an exaggeration, but it felt like it. It was all Coulson's fault, he didn't know what the accountant did to mess up his car so, but he was always bringing Lola in for repairs. Quite honestly, Fitz was half tempted to just tell the man to write it off and get a new car. But Coulson was attached to his car and Fitz was the best mechanic around, who else was he going to bring it to?

"Start her engines, Trip," Fitz said and his partner (and possibly best friend) turned the key. The engine roared to life.

"You need a shower," Trip said as he turned Lola off and shut the door. "You're disgusting."

"Well excuse me for having to rebuild an engine while somebody banged out dents."

"I would have rebuilt the engine."

"Really?"

"Er, maybe. Coulson trusts you more."

"That's because he knows I'm the only one who doesn't ask him how on Earth his engine managed to spontaneously combust and yet not damage the oil."

"Magic."

"Again with the magic?"

"You know it's real. I stand by what I said, I don't think he's an accountant."

"He said he was. There's no proof magic actually exists. It's all clever tricks and science."

"And yet you still follow that weird lady's advice and don't talk to strangers."

"My mother told me not to first."

"Fitz."

"Maybe I just don't like people."

"Or maybe you're listening to the weird lady."

They heard the bell from the front of the shop.

"Go on," Trip said. "If you don't believe in magic, go talk to whoever just walked in."

"I can't go like this. Look at my trousers."

"It's not that bad. And neither is your shirt. Or your face. Or your hair. You're a mechanic, they're probably expecting it."

"Fine. But you're to blame if they never come back due to the state of me."

"Fitz."

"Fine."

He walked into the front, where a girl was standing. She smiled at him.

"Hello." Her accent was clearly English, Fitz noted.

"Can I help you?"

"Oh, yes please, my friend said this was the best place to come if I needed a mechanic?"

"I'm not going to deny it."

She chuckled and carried on. "Can you open things?"

"Lose your key?"

"Something like that."

"Locked it inside, wouldn't be the first person to ask."

"No, no I didn't lock it inside. It doesn't have one."

"Okay. You're not going to be able to drive it without a key, I would go someone else. They should be able to fix you up with a new one if you go to the place you bought it."

"I didn't buy it, it's been in my family for several hundred years."

"Cars haven't been around that long and they didn't need keys."

"I am not talking about a car. Why would you think that?"

"Because I'm a car mechanic? It says on the door. Trip and Fitz's Car Repairs. This is a car garage."

"But you're a mechanic."

"Yes. For cars."

"Could you not help?"

"Only if you're talking about a car. I could possibly fix a tractor. There was that one time I helped with a steam train, and that time I fixed the toaster, but unless you've got one of those, no I couldn't. Sorry."

"Never mind. Thank you."

"Bye."

"Good bye Fitz."

She left and Trip stuck his head out the door.

"So? Who was it?"

"Some weird English lass who wanted me to unlock something until I pointed out we fixed cars."

"And did everything end?"

"Your pestering clearly didn't."

"Come on, it was fine."

"Maybe, but I'm not risking it next time."

* * *

"Oh, hello again."

Fitz stopped in the middle of the grocers and put down the apples. Her? What was she doing here?"

"Isn't it a nice day?"

"Er, sure. Listen, I don't mean to be rude, I'm sure you're very nice, but I'm kind of in a hurry, I've left Trip alone in the shop so he can wait for a customer, but I don't want to leave him too long."

"Okay. I'm sure I'll see you around, Fitz."

_I hope not_, he thought. _Because as beautiful strangers go, you just about top it._

* * *

He did see her around. Frequently. And she was really nice, he almost felt bad about having to shake her off, but he quite liked things not ending, so he'd stick with avoiding her.

He didn't even know her name.

But if he was honest, without that warning he'd be desperate for it. She was nice. Or she seemed nice, he didn't actually have proof she wasn't some kind of disguised sea monster. Not that he'd mind meeting a sea monster, providing it was actually a loch monster, hopefully from Loch Ness, but anything further than a conversation might be pushing it.

Besides, he was in the London, where would he find a sea monster in London?

Not that they were real.

And now he was getting distracted by sea monsters. Back to fixing cars, it was so much easier.

"Fitz, we've got a guy for you here," Trip called and Fitz went through to the entrance to the shop. "He says his name's Grant Ward."

"Hi," Fitz said. At least this one wasn't a beautiful stranger. Just a stranger. "Can I help you?"

"My sister was in here the other day asking if you could unlock something for her."

"Your sister?" Fitz frowned. "Oh, the one who didn't realise this was a car mechanics. Yeah, I haven't seen her."

He wasn't quite sure why he lied. But lying seemed like the right thing to do. This guy seemed even weirder than weird girl.

"Well, if you do," Ward said, "Could you tell her I was looking for her?"

"I'm pretty sure you're more likely to see her than me."

"Nether the less."

"Sure."

"That was…" Trip said as Ward left.

"Yeah," Fitz agreed.

* * *

"Fitz!"

Oh, again.

"Hello Fitz."

"How do you even know my name?"

"It was on the door of your shop."

"Right. Listen-"

"You're going to make an excuse and leave now, aren't you? Are you afraid of me Fitz?"

"What? No, nothing like that, erm, this lady told me to stay away from beautiful strangers once because it would be the beginning of my end."

"Oh. That's a shame. How do you meet people if you don't talk to them?"

"Well, Trip's pretty much my only friend."

"That's sad. I'll be your friend Fitz."

"I don't even know your name. And I think you fit the beautiful stranger thing."

"You think I'm beautiful?"

"Erm, yes?"

"That's kind of you. Do you know who this woman was?"

"No. I'm not normally superstitious."

"Oh. Maybe you should be."

She smiled and went to leave.

Fitz was determined not to mention anything.

"Hey, wait."

"I thought you didn't want to talk to me Fitz."

"A guy, said he was your brother, was looking for you. Popped by the shop yesterday. Grant Ward?" She paled, a slight green tinge to her skin. "Are you all right? You look ill."

"I'm fine."

"You don't look it. Here, you can come back with me and sit down."

"You don't even know my name. You need to avoid beautiful strangers."

"Avoiding you is pretty hard. And you really don't look well, you've gone really green. Come on."

"Okay. I'm Jemma. Jemma Simmons."

"Jemma. That's a lovely name."

* * *

"Fitz, what?" Trip asked.

"She wasn't well."

"I make you talk to one stranger and you put her in your bed, I'm never doing that again."

"Well, I didn't mean to. She just went green after I mentioned that Ward bloke."

A crash came from downstairs.

"I'll go and check it out," Trip said.

"He's strange."

"Not really. He's just Trip. He's nice, is convinced magic's real."

"Maybe he's not wrong."

"Magic's just science we don't understand yet."

"Maybe."

"Fitz, out," Trip said, reappearing, eyes wide. "Now, get out."

"What happened?"

"You didn't leave anything plugged in,did you?"

"You know me, I never leave anything plugged in."

"Right, because the building is on fire."

"What?"

"Fire. Downstairs, Coulson's going to kill us, Lola's still there."

"Coulson?" Jemma said. "I like Coulson. And Lola's a sweetheart, really. I'll put out your fire for you."

"It's huge. Out."

"I'll be fine."

"Jemma, don't," Fitz said, opening the window. "Come on."

"Oh, it's quite all right. I remember that time Thomas left his oven on, burnt down the whole of London."

Water started seeping out of the bottom of her feet. Fitz and Trip looked at each other as it cascaded down the stairs. More and more flowed as she smiled at them.

"Thomas?" Fitz asked.

"Farriner? Farynor? Something along those lines, it was quite a while ago now, I don't remember everyone. He had a bakery, Pudding Cake Lane, really very appropriate for a baker's."

"You're talking about the Great Fire of London."

"Yes, that's what they called it."

"That was in 1666."

"We're standing in a burning building," Trip said. "Why are we still talking to the crazy person?"

"That was over three hundred years ago," Fitz said, ignoring him.

"I was only little."

"Jemma, you can't possibly have been alive."

"Oh, but I was. We had just moved to London. They were building a safe place, people started messing with the rivers."

"Jemma."

"I told you. Maybe your strange friend isn't so wrong."

"That's it," Trip said and grabbed Fitz, carrying him downstairs in a fireman's lift.

A layer of water covered the floor, but nothing was on fire. The electric had all shorted out and Trip stood on the second to bottom step not sure how to get out.

"Would you put me down now? You're the one who's always saying magic's real."

"Not like this."

"Trip."

"Fitz, Lola is gone and there's a dragon."

"What? Put me down so I can see."

"Bad idea. Back upstairs. No, weird girl's there."

"Easy Lola, easy girl," Coulson said, walking in, oblivious to the water. Trip could only stare, while Fitz craned his neck. "There's a good girl. Good girl. We'll get you all dry, don't you worry. Jemma's here, isn't she?"

"She's upstairs," Fitz said. "What the bloody hell is going on?"

"He was here," a new voice said as two more people walked in.

"Hey, I know you," Fitz said to the older one, Trip finally dropping him. "You're the woman who told me to avoid beautiful strangers."

"Hello again Leopold Fitz. I did warn you."

"It's just Fitz."

"This is Melinda May and this is Skye," Coulson said. "Melinda's a witch with the Sight and Skye's her trainee."

"And you?" Trip asked.

"A dragon rider. And Lola's a dragon. You met Grant Ward."

"There really are sea monsters in disguise, aren't there?" Fitz sighed.

"He's a nymph, like Jemma, but he serves the hydra that currently resides in London Docklands."

"Oh great. Where do you find sea monsters in London. In the Docklands. Of course."

"It hasn't been out for a very long time," Jemma said, almost flowing down the stairs. The water started receding as her foot entered it. "It's been asleep. But it's starting to wake up. We're going to stop it. You could help."

"This is insane," Trip said. "Fitz, what did you put in my coffee this morning?"

"Sugar and milk."

"Are you sure it was sugar?"

"Yes. Well, not anymore, but I don't take sugar with tea, so I'm pretty sure it was sugar and this is actually happening."

"It's real," Skye said. "Don't you Scots all believe in Nessie?"

"Nessie's real?"

"There's a whole other side to your world," Jemma said. "I can show you."

"Okay."

Jemma led him to the banks of the Thames. Fitz looked into the murky waters and gulped, hating to think what was in there. Apparently, a hydra.

"You just need to go in," Jemma said. "I can show you."

"Fitz, you can't even swim," Trip said. "You hate water."

He looked at Jemma.

"Maybe not," Fitz said. "Trip, we've just lost our business, we don't have the money to repair everything. We'll go bankrupt and it'll get repossessed, then we'll have no business and no house."

"You have a PhD, you can find a new job easy and get a house."

"You said it was the beginning of the end," Fitz addressed May, who nodded. "What does that mean?"

"Whatever you want it to mean."

"So this could be the end. The end of human life fixing cars and being normal."

"Yes."

"Jemma, I barely know you," Fitz said. "Trip?"

"I can't let you go alone, can I? What use is a mechanics without the chief mechanic?"

"Thanks."

Jemma outstretched her arm.

Fitz took her hand.

He stepped into the Thames.

* * *

_Based on: __"A gypsy once warned me away from beautiful strangers because meeting one would 'mark the beginning of my end'—so even though you're nice pls get away from me" AU (awful-aus)_

* * *

**Author's Note: I know it turned out to be May doing to the warning, but a fic happened.**

**It's kind of terrible.**

**Have it anyway.**


	14. Bruce x Clint, Science and Teaching

Clint shuffled uncomfortably as their guide looked at him. He hushed Tommy again. That boy had so much energy, he was always bouncing off the walls. Clint wouldn't have that much after three cups off coffee and he knew, he'd once drunk three cups off coffee. It had been a bet. It was Natasha's fault.

The guide carried on talking about the history of space travel to the kids and Clint shushed Tommy again.

"Don't touch that."

"Wasn't going to Mr. Barton."

"Pay attention."

"Yes Mr. Barton."

Clint glared at him as he went to poke Billy, and Tommy put his hands in his pockets and looked innocent.

He returned to paying attention to the guide. He was still giving Clint looks.

_Oh gosh, he's so cute_

_Pull yourself together Clinton_

_Oh man, look at those curls._

"Are you a rocket scientist?" one of them asked. Clint looked over. Kate Bishop. Of course it was.

"No," the guide, darn, Clint had forgotten the name, said. "I did study nuclear physics, but it's a different branch entirely."

"Could you build a rocket?"

"I have a friend who could."

"Can I help?" Cassie Lang. Naturally.

"I'm sure your teacher would be happy to let you make some. There's a project you can find at reception."

Several sets of eyes looked at Clint. This was a terrible idea. Painting turned into a war. He envied Steve. He was the only one who'd managed to calm them down. He'd had to phone America Chavez's home to ask if they could bring in some clean clothes for her.

Needless to say, they hadn't used paint since.

Those big brown eyes though.

"Sure," he found himself saying. "We can check it out later."

They moved onto the next point. Clint could see Billy and Teddy holding hands and coughed before Tommy could do anything.

He spent most of his time whispering warnings to Tommy. The guide kept looking at him.

_He's really cute. If I wasn't at work, I'd go for it._

_Wait those eyes are looking everywhere. Not just my face._

_It's probably the kids._

_What if it's not._

_What if he thinks I'm cute?_

_Nah, you're being ridiculous, he's probably got a partner. I mean look at him, why wouldn't he?_

Clint hurried to catch up.

_Stop getting distracted by Mr. Nuclear Physicist's eyes._

Doctor Banner, Clint remembered, that was his name, stopped by a model of the solar system and started talking about that.

"Tommy," Clint warned as he snickered when the words 'gas giant' were mentioned.

"And that concludes this bit, unless anyone has any questions?"

"Why does Mr. Barton go red every time you look at him?"

Clint froze. Katherine Bishop.

"Questions about space, Kate," Clint said.

"But Doctor Banner told us all about space already, I want to know this."

"Well then. Er."

"Is it because you were embarrassed?"

"Yes. Yes, that makes sense."

"Why were you embarrassed?"

"Tell you what," Doctor Banner said. "Why don't we go and find my friend Mr. Stark? He can show you how to make rockets."

They all ran off.

Clint supervised, because clearly this Mr. Stark was slightly eccentric and mixed with his class, that was probably not the best combination.

"Tommy, no," he said, spotting the boy pointing his rocket strategically so it would hit Billy's. He decided he's have to have another quick word with Wanda Maximoff about her two sons. Mostly Tommy.

"He's quite the handful, isn't he?" Doctor Banner noted.

"I don't know what his mother feeds him, but he can't sit still for five minutes" Clint said. "I'm sorry if he was being distracting earlier."

"I've had far worse. Truth be told, he wasn't the distracting one."

"I am so sorry, I should have been quieter."

"That wasn't it either. Do you normally blush when people look at you?"

"I'd say something right now, but there are children present."

Doctor Banner laughed.

_Oh gosh, even that's cute._

_Quick brain, bail. You can't develop a crush on the nerd from the science museum._

_Too late._

"Would you look at the time," Clint said. "Kids, gather your things, we have to get back to school before your parents arrive."

There was a collective "awww" and they picked everything up.

Each child said thank you to Mr. Stark and Doctor Banner and asked if they could come back.

"We're open every day," Doctor Banner said. "You can stop by when ever you like. And that includes your teacher."

Clint could feel his cheeks growing warm again.

_Darn cute nerds, they've got no right to be flirting with me._

_Wait._

_Darn cute nerds, heck yeah, he's flirting with me!_

_Is he flirting with me?_

_No idea, I need Tasha's advice. She's good at the whole flirting thing._

"I'm sure I can squeeze something in. Thank you Doctor Banner," he addressed just the man now. "It was quite the experience. I'll have to bring a class every year."

"Bruce, please. I look forward to it Mr. Barton."

"Clint." They shook hands. "You wouldn't consider coming into the school to give a talk, would you?"

"I'd be happy to. Here, let me give you my number."

Clint escorted his class back with a smile on his face. They were all bubbling and couldn't wait to tell their parents all about what they'd learnt.

Which gave Clint more time to call Bruce. And if maybe he used the number to ask him if he'd like to get a coffee sometimes…

Well, nobody needed to know.

* * *

_Based off: "I brought my first grade class to the science museum that you work at and you won't stop staring at me while you're explaining stuff about space and I can't tell if it's because you think I'm cute or if it's because I'm whisper-yelling at my worst student and oh god I can't focus on anything you're so cute" AU (awful-aus)_

* * *

**Author's Note: I have a feeling a few AUs may appear. (I'll happily stick them under a different story if you'd rather. And I'll stick which pairing in the name, then you'll know which it is)**

**Also, I am terrible at titling, I think this may have become clear with the chapter titles**


	15. FitzSimmons, First Dates?

"No. No, no, no, no."

Fitz hit the box. It didn't work. He could probably fix it, but not in five minutes and the internet was awful, there was no time…

His neighbour.

He'd never really actually spoken to her even though she lived next door and was in a couple of his classes, quite frankly he was a little scared of her (possibly had a crush on her), but she had a set.

Fitz picked up his snacks and left.

* * *

She answered.

"Oh. Hello." Jemma Simmons. The cutest, nicest, smartest, hottest British biochem student Fitz had ever met. He wasn't sure if someone could be cute and hot at the same time, but if anyone could it was Jemma Simmons. Actually, scrap the British biochem student, no need to be specific. Just human in general. She was great.

And he had just knocked on her front door.

"Hi, it's Leopold Fitz, prefer Leo or Fitz, live next door and we had to work as lab partners one time, can I please borrow your television, mine is smoking and Doctor Who starts in five minutes and I need to find out if River and Rory and the Doctor are okay. And Amy, please let my darling Scot be okay, I will die if Moffat doesn't find a way around this, please, I'm begging you, I'll cook you dinner, no I won't I can't cook, I'll do anything else, please let me borrow your television."

"Erm. Are you okay? You said it was smoking?"

"I'll fix it later, I'm studying engineering. Please, the TARDIS was blowing up and Rory shot Amy, please."

"Sure, come in, I was going to watch it anyway."

Fitz kissed her.

Granted, it was probably over the top. He wouldn't have actually died. But she'd still saved his life.

"I brought snacks. You can share them if you want."

"Thanks."

"I am so sorry, I don't know what came over me. I've been hanging off the edge of my seat for a week now."

"Me too, how could he just end it like that? We worked well together. We could do it again?""

"I've been meaning to stop by for a while now about that."

"You know, I was too. Oh, it's starting."

Both of them were wide eyed by the end.

"Thank you Steven Moffat," Fitz said. "You didn't kill my fellow Scot. It's fine. I can sleep tonight."

"Now we just need to wait until Christmas," Simmons said.

"I wonder who River Song is."

"Yep. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry."

"For what?"

"I kissed you. I'm sorry, I got carried away, I just, I'm so sorry."

"Fitz."

"I'm so, so sorry, I'll just, I mean, you're really hot, and you're really nice and I was too scared to talk to you and oh gosh I just said that out loud, that was supposed to stay in my head, I'm digging a deeper hole, I-"

"Leo."

"Yes?"

"You are adorable."

"No I'm not, I'm a grumpy Scot."

"Liar. You know why I haven't really spoken to you yet either?"

"You think I'm weird?"

"I think you're kind of cute."

"Oh. Erm. So..."

"Yeah. I was always told not to kiss on the first date, but I guess I can make an exception. If that's Scottish tradition."

"No, no, not Scottish tradition, least not one I know. Wait, date? Does this count as a date?"

"You tell me. If you'd like."

"You deserve far better, I know this great restaurant."

"To-"

The fire alarm went off.

"Oh yeah," Fitz said, looking guilty. "I left a television set smoking. Whoops."

They assembled outside with everyone else while the fire brigade was called.

"That could have gone better," Fitz said. "So, about this date. I could pick up up tomorrow at seven?"

"Sounds perfect."

They headed back inside a few hours later when Fitz's room had been cleared as safe. He did say it was just smoking (he was now going to have to replace the hole in the carpet where it had maybe a tiny bit been on fire.)

At least he had a date with Jemma Simmons to look forward to.

It could have been a worse night.

(He didn't know if it could get better)

* * *

_Based off: _"You're the only person in our entire dorm that has a television and if I don't see this season finale I will literally die, I swear I'll make you dinner or something _please let me in_" AU (awful-aus)


	16. When Bruce Became Clint's Umbrella

It had been tipping it down for hours now. Quite why Banner felt the need to be in somewhere so wet, Clint didn't know, but Fury asked him to find the physicist. Well, ordered. But he could complain when he got back.

Besides, he was standing behind this guy, that was shielding him from the worst of it.

Clint looked up in the air as the guy looked over his shoulder.

"Why are you following me?"

"Oh, I wasn't, I was just, erm, I, er-"

"Who are you?"

"Charles Barton. I promise I wasn't following you."

"Then what have you been doing for the last three miles?"

"Erm. Using you as protection from the rain."

"Excuse me?"

"It's raining."

"I noticed."

"I kind of left my coat at home."

The guy frowned.

"You really… You left your coat at home in winter?"

"I'm going to let you into a little secret. I'm kind of an idiot. So what's made you so jumpy?"

"What?"

"First thing you asked was why I was following you."

"You were following me."

"That is true. But you thought it was for a less than innocent reason."

"Do you often meet people following you for a less than innocent reason?"

"You make good points…"

"Robert."

"Robert? Not Rob, or Robby, Bob, anything like that?"

"No."

"Fine. So, which way you heading?"

"Wherever life takes me."

"Bit vague. Life not leave you a map?"

"Life rarely has maps. Where are you going?"

"There's a hostel in the city centre. Tell you what, it's all wet and you don't know where you're going, why don't you come with me? That way you've got somewhere dry to spend the night and I have protection from the rain."

"I don't… I shouldn't."

"I promise I'm not a dangerous criminal. You just look like you could do with a good night's sleep."

"I guess it couldn't hurt?"

Poor guy looked so lost at Clint's attempt at friendship. Clint smiled.

The man nodded and offered Clint space under his umbrella.

* * *

"Room for two, please," Clint asked the receptionist. His companion seemed even more nervous than before, casting his eyes across the room, mapping every escape. Clint knew the drill.

He'd done the same the moment they walked in.

They both headed upstairs, Clint pulling out the food he'd brought with him.

"I hope you're okay with instant noodles?"

* * *

The guy looked really small curled up as tightly as he could in his bed. Clint almost felt bad with what was about to happen. He pulled out his mac and bent down to try and pick the guy up, but he was up and blocking Clint before he could touch him.

He looked utterly terrified.

"Who are you really? Did Ross send you?"

"Director Fury of SHIELD sent me to bring you in."

"Why?"

"Because you're a genius and we need you."

"You need him."

"He's why I was sent instead of anyone else. But he's not the one SHIELD wants."

"Then you want to make more of him."

"Trust me Doc, we don't want more of those guys running around. SHIELD knows the truth about Harlem. My partner was there. She took care of Sterns for you." Clint smiled again, not as widely this time. Just enough to encourage the man to trust him. "My name's not Charles, if that helps. That's my brother. Although everyone calls him Barney which is the shortened form of his middle name, Bernard. You go by your middle name, don't you, Bruce? But your name really is Robert. It was in your file. My name's Clint. That actually is my first name. Well, Clinton but really, Clinton? Clinton Francis Barton. Code name's Hawkeye."

"Hawkeye?"

"Yeah, I was in the circus, it kind of stuck. So, what do you say?"

"I don't want to go."

"Fair enough. I know nothing about this project, it's all sciency mumbo jumbo to me, but there's this cube thing from space and they want to measure gamma or something, if you're not coming, got any suggestions?"

"Erik Selvig. He's an astrophysicist, but he might be able to make sense of your cube."

"Erik Selvig. You know I met the guy while you were trying to stop Blonsky, he was chasing wormholes down in New Mexico with a Doctor Jane Foster and intern. Darcy Lewis. Found one."

"He did?"

"One found him. Portal to Asgard, there was some Norse guy with a hammer, I'm not trying to make sense of it, I bet he could tell you far better."

"I'm not going."

"Fine. I'll let Fury know when I get back."

"Aren't you leaving now?"

"I know I'm good at my job, but if I found you chances are someone else could. I'd go somewhere crowed if I were you. Maybe head south or east. Or both, both could work. Oh, yes, Fury gave me these for you." He pulled a bundle out of his bag and handed it to Banner. Fake passport, some cash and whatever else he stuck in there."

"Those were my orders. Bring you in or help you. Actually, it was originally just bring you in after all the fuss with Ross but I thought you probably wouldn't want to given your track record so he changed it to helping you stay away from Ross. SHIELD is here to help Doctor. I promise. We don't want to hurt you. I should probably get back, tell Fury about Selvig. You'll be okay from here?"

Banner nodded and Clint gave him one last smile before leaving, this time, wearing his waterproof.

* * *

Banner sat next to Clint after they reached the place of their "after battle banquet" as Thor called it. He seemed to be enjoying it. Banner was eating quickly as well, Hulking out twice in one day must be energy consuming.

Clint could barely touch his, he was too hyped up on adrenaline to eat. He had a bit.

Banner smiled at him and insisted he call him Bruce. Clint could get used to it.

"You came after all," Clint said as they were leaving. Bruce smiled at him. "I told you, we just needed a hand from Doctor Banner."

"The Tesseract, that's the cube you were talking about?" Bruce's face fell. "I should have come, Erik was only there because I recommended him and I could have-"

"Oh, you could have done something differently if you'd gone with to the government with the man you couldn't trust right after the government had used you to experiment? Bruce, this was less your fault than mine, I was the one on guard. Fury was considering Selvig after New Mexico anyway to keep an eye on him. Turns out Loki was already worming his way into his head. Trust me, if you'd been there this probably would have gone a lot worse, they needed you here so you could track the cube."

"And break the Helicarrier."

"Excuse you, stealing my thunder, I did that with two arrows, suck on that Banner, bet you couldn't do it with that little effort. I am so glad I'm a good guy. But I'd make an awesome supervillian, just saying."

"No you wouldn't. You're too nice."

"And how would you know Doctor Banner? Do you know me well enough to say I'm nice?"

"You just seem really nice. And I'd like to get to know you better."

"Well then. We'll have to make a date of it."

"I look forward to it. Don't forget your coat this time."

"I didn't really forget it the first time."

"I know."

* * *

_Based off: "I've been walking behind you for three miles to shield myself from the worst of the rain and I hope to God you didn't notice yet" AU (awful-aus)_

* * *

**Author's Note: It's not really an AU, but this is what appeared in my head. And it's not really specifically pairing anyone, you could say future Clint and Bruce or you could just say they became really good friends, up to you**


	17. Skye's Ringtones

When your phone starts ringing in the middle of a mission, it's never the best timing.

When _Uptown Funk _starts playing from your pocket, it's possibly even worse.

Everyone was looking at Skye. Fitz was singing along. At least he found it amusing.

"You going to answer that?" Coulson asked.

"Er. Yeah. Hi Trip. Not the best timing."

"Sorry. Why don't you call me back when you're done?"

"Probably for the best."

"Suits him," Fitz said. "Everyone else got one?"

"No. Yes."

"Not the time," Coulson said.

* * *

When they got back to the place they were staying, everyone demanded an answer. Fitz just wanted to know if he had a song.

"It helps me know who's calling," Skye explained. "It's just easier."

"Makes sense," May said. "Maybe don't have your phone on in the middle of a mission."

"What would you put as Skye's song?" Simmons asked.

"The defult ringtone," Fitz said.

"You know what I mean."

"I have one in mind," Trip said. "You know _Phoenix_?"

"Oh yes," Simmons chuckled. "That would fit quite well, wouldn't it?"

Skye regretted not putting her phone on silent when everyone changed their ringtones.

* * *

_Based off: __You should do a one where Skye has different ringtones for all the team and you should do sepret occasions that we see all of them_

_ What about bad to the bone for may. Uptown funk for Tripp (if you were to include him)_

_Pinky and the brain theme for Simmons_  
_Big bang theory for fitz_  
_Dead or alive for Coulson_  
_If only I had a heart for ward (if included)_  
_For the rest of the team in not too sure. But in the end you should have the team ringtone for Skye being phoenix from fall out boy. (superheronerd99)_

* * *

**Author's Note: I apologise for how long this has taken to write and for how terrible this is, but I felt I'd left it long enough. Kind of set before _The End of the Beginning. _It's not exactly what you were after, but here's an attempt?**


	18. Bruce x Clint, Drunk Confessions

"'S not fair. Ha, snot."

"What's not fair, Clint?"

"You's can no' do it Brucie. You's can no' drink. But you need to. Cos your life sucks." Clint flopped his arms dramatically at that.

"Thanks."

"No, it's not rude. It's true."

"I know it's true, you don't need to point it out to me."

"Brucie." Clint put his hands of Bruce's shoulders. "You have a sucky life."

"Again, thanks."

"I is not finished. You have a sucky life. But you are not sucky. You are. Are. Are. Incredlible."

"Incredible?"

"Yeah. That one."

"How drunk are you?"

"I am no' drunk. I am sobber."

"You mean sober."

"Yes."

"And you mean pissed."

"Yes. O' course I am very pissed. 'Cos your life is sucky even though you deserve the happiest life in the whole entire universe."

"You're really drunk."

"And everything is sucky, so you don't need another sucky thing otherwise I would be needing to do things. I has to whisper them."

Bruce turned his head so Clint could whisper in his ear.

"I would, I would cuddle you."

"Cuddle?"

"An', an' maybe stroke your hair."

"Right."

"An' then maybe kiss you little tiny bit, 'less you wanted to kiss lots, then I would ne'er stop."

"You want to kiss me?"

"You's the nicest most increbidle- see, I'm not drunk- person in the whole universe."

"I thought you and Natasha-"

"Plef." (Or that was what the weird noise sounded like to Bruce as Clint straightened and stopped whispering, possibly realising they were the only two in the room) "Nat is the best. 'Cept you. But she's Nat. She's no' the kissy sort. She's my bestest friend. Like a soulmate but in a friend way. But you don' kiss your bestest friends, 'cept on the cheek maybe. You's one o' mine bestest friends Brucie, can I kiss you on the cheek?"

"You like me?"

"I love you lots Brucie, but I am sucky and you don' need more sucky things."

"You're not sucky Clint. You're wonderful."

"Really?" His morose expression flipped into possibly the largest smile Bruce had ever seen, before changing back. "No. You's lovely, but wrong. I's got no job, Steve's in a hospickal 'cos I could no' get there in time an' I was the only one Lokified 'cos I'm useless. I blowed up the firs' Helicarrier but then when they was blowin' up Helicarriers I wasn't there 'cos I was bein' shot at. Again. I'm always bein' shot at Brucie. No one likes me, they keep trying to shoot me."

"I like you."

"You say that. But you're probably going to try shoot me too. Even Nat tried to shoot me the first time we met. She almos' killed me too, she had her legs round my neck an' everythin', then I sneezed."

"You what?"

"Bu' you's Brucie, you's perfect an' amazin' and deserve the very best in the whole world. I'd marry you if I could Brucie, if you wanted to get married, but I'm just useless. Useless an' got no friends an' I'd probably get you shot an' I only came to get drunk instead of dealin' with my problems. I has lots of them. And Tony has free alcohol. And a free bed. But I can't stay. You'll all get shot at."

"I could survive being shot at."

Clint's eyes looked at him, huge, and he went down on one knee.

"Would you marry me Brucie? Really really? Even though I'm jus' me?"

"Clint, I-"

Clint decided that was the perfect moment to throw up.

Then pass out.

Frick.

* * *

"Urgh."

Clint decided he didn't want to know what he was laying in. At least he was in bed. He didn't remember going to bed, but he didn't remember much from after Bruce walked in. Bruce must have put him in bed. In the recovery position to, that was nice of him. There was even a glass of water on the beside table. Bless Bruce Banner. It was little things like that that made Clint love him all the more. He thought of everything.

Clint just hoped he hadn't said anything stupid.

Why did he think it was a good idea to get drunk?

He hoped in the shower, cleaning up the mess he'd made (there were peanuts? He didn't even like peanuts, why had he eaten them?) before heading down to the kitchen to see if he could stomach breakfast.

Considering Bruce was there frying him an egg, Clint was pretty sure he could manage a little bit.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like death."

"Guess you don't remember anything then."

"I think I remember you coming in, after that, nope. I didn't do anything stupid, did I?"

"No." Bruce answered very quickly. Too quickly.

"You sure?"

"You started telling me Natasha was going to kill you until you sneezed."

"What? Oh, that's not exactly what happened, it's kind of a long story, but it rained a lot when I caught up with her and I caught a cold."

"Right. Breakfast." Bruce handed him a plate with an egg and toast.

"You are the best, Bruce Banner. Oh, I love you."

"You said."

"When? Oh."

"Yeah."

"I am so sorry."

"When you were moping about being useless and sucky, which I don't think is actually a word, and how my life was also sucky even though-"

"You deserve the very best. I am so, so sorry. This wouldn't have anything to do with why I might have had a weird dream where I was in a suit all dressed up, and Nat was in a bride's maid's dress and I think Thor was too, and I don't know, it kind of got weird after that, I think there was flying pizza. Or it might have been a turtle."

"Yeah, it might have had something to do with that."

"I'm so sorry for putting you through that."

"Well, I don't think you're sucky or useless."

"Loki would have never succeeded if I hadn't helped him."

"Exactly. You're incredibly good at what you do. We're lucky you're on our side. You're an Avenger Clint."

"So're you."

"I just turn into one."

"No, you're as much of an Avenger as Hulk. We'd be lost without you."

"Look at the two of us. We fit together perfectly. How much of it did you mean?"

"Er, well, marrying you would probably be moving a little too fast, but, er, yeah. All of it."

"For the record, if you'd been sober and conscious, I would probably have said yes."

Clint smiled.

* * *

_Based off: you were drunk and proposed to me but i'm not sure how to bring it up now you're sober bc i totally would have said yes au (a post to which I would you leave you a link for but you can't post links, but there is one of the original version if you really want one)_

* * *

**Author's Note: (If anyone wants anything in particular, please do say, I could attempt it)**


	19. Meeting Hawkeye

_Based off: "Uh, hi… I'm just spitballing here but are these the keys to the handcuffs locking you to that pipe? Also, why are you handcuffed to a pipe?" AU (awful-aus)_

* * *

"It's a long story."

"You're handcuffed to a pipe, locked in a bathroom."

"Yes."

"What did you do?"

"I think I annoyed some Russian assassins. And some other assassins, let's just assume there's assassins from a lot of countries and none of them like me."

"So what did you do?"

"Apparently the fact there's SHIELD agents about is completely my fault."

"And is it?"

"Well, they keep asking for Hawkeye, so probably."

"You're Hawkeye?"

"Yeah, and you're SHIELD, can we just get this over with? Oh great, a gun and I'm handcuffed to a pipe. At least let me out and let me run so you can shoot me in the back and I can die all dramatically, begging forgiveness for my crimes and wishing I had seen my poor brother one last time and saying I can see my parents waiting for me and all worthy of award or something, not handcuffed to a pipe in a hotel bathroom, that's just embarrassing."

"You'd run off if I let you out."

"Exactly. Fine, if you're not going to let me out, at least tell me your name. You know I'm Hawkeye, I'd shake your hand, but anyway, you are?"

"Agent."

"Is there another part to that Agent? Agent ma'am?"

"Is there another part to Hawkeye?"

"Fair play. Got much practice at this agent thing?"

"No."

"Didn't think so. Duck."

The bullet shot straight over her head.

"Hey," Hawkeye said. "Can I go now? You found the SHIELD agent. She's right there."

"You lead them straight to us. You're not going anywhere."

"Agent, quick question, could you be a dear and throw me that key?"

"No."

"Great, no one likes me. You're supposed to shoot the gun, not club him with it, oh. Oh, you're good. Barely made a sound at all."

"Do you ever shut up?"

"Seeing as I think this is potentially my last conversation, I thought I'd make the most of it. Can I go now?"

"You're not going anywhere."

"Oh great, you're back to pointing a gun at me, fantastic. Today just keeps getting better and better. Can I have a last request?"

"Fine."

"Could you not kill me?"

"I don't think that's how it works."

"Well, worth a shot. Maybe I could find out your actual name then Agent?"

"No."

"Erm, you could fetch me my bow? It's by the door. At least let me hold it so I can pretend I was at least dignified, if not dramatic."

"Fine."

"Thanks Agent." She turned back around to give it to him and found him standing up. "Hi. Didn't actually need that key." He picked up an arrow and drew his string back. "Get down."

"What?"

"Get down." His arrow sailed through the now open door and she saw the gun clatter to the floor. A quick succession of three more arrows followed. "Well that was fun."

"You just saved my life."

"Maybe. They might have used you against SHIELD. Do you have a way out?"

"The way I came in. Pretend to be room service."

"That's no good, they'll be on to you now."

"So what do you propose, the vents?"

"Yes, what a marvellous idea, I wonder why I didn't think of it, oh, maybe because I'm a sniper who uses a bow and arrow and they will follow us and you cannot shoot a bow in the ventilation system. Good grief, you know, the Black Widow's here, however good you might be at hand to hand combat, she will win. Your best bet is staying far away from all of them. Which is why I propose we jump out a window."

"What window?"

"The one in the room out there, obviously, what window did you think I was talking about? Seems a shame to break it, it's a nice place. Never let it be said assassins can't have good taste."

"We're ten floors up."

"Yes."

"You want to jump out a window ten floors up?"

"Yes. Come on."

"You're nuts."

"I've jumped off higher things. It's either that or be shot, so, your choice ma'am. Willing to risk it? Grab onto me, but leave my arms free."

"You want me to trust you to carry me down a building and not drop me? You're trying to use this to get away."

"My name's Clint Barton. Now will you hold on?"

He fell backwards out the window, pulling her with him, shooting an arrow up and skimming down to the ground. He pulled her round a corner and out of sight.

"See? Didn't drop you. And I'm not running off either. You're out, you're alive, I probably won't be for much longer but hey, didn't really expect to make it to old age anyway."

"Maria Hill."

"What?"

"My name, it's Maria Hill. I've only been a SHIELD for a couple of years."

"It was nice meeting you Maria," Clint said, shaking her hand. "Good luck with the SHIELD thing and hey, you can put stopped Hawkeye on your CV. Could you maybe shoot me in the head rather than the chest, I'd like it to be quick."

"I'm not going to kill you."

"That's nice, but someone is probably about to."

"You saved my life."

"I guess."

"I owe you one. I probably owe you six. I'm not going to kill you."

"Thanks I guess? So what? If I run, they'll come looking for me, SHIELD will come looking for me and you'll possibly lose your job because you let me get away."

"I could bring you in."

"And then they'll ask why you didn't kill me, it's easier this way."

"And then you can have your dramatic death scene while you worry for your brother and see your parents again. I'm not making it that easy for you." She showed him the handcuffs. "Thought they might come in useful."

"Well, I haven't seen Barney for a long time. And SHIELD could help with that. And I'm not exactly happy about seeing my parents. Guess staying alive couldn't hurt." He offered her his hands.

"You actually have a brother?"

"Yeah, he's older than me, joined the army after leaving the circus."

"I thought you were lying."

"What would be the point in that, you were going to kill me anyway, whether I had a brother or not, this way you could just let him know."

He followed Maria, hands cuffed together, her carrying his bow and quiver.

"Your arrow had a rope that came out of it."

"Tied to it, but yeah. Same idea. I jump off a lot of roofs and out of windows and things. And sometimes, yes, I might sneak into a place through a vent."

"Do you have many trick arrows?"

"Some. I don't have a way to make most of the ideas, but some."

"SHIELD could make you some."

"You're arresting me, not making me arrows."

"But you'd be locked up."

"Maybe I deserve it."

"Who have you actually killed?"

"Lots of people. None of them were particularly nice, some of them were downright awful, but lots of people."

"I think if we compare your list to the people SHIELD had on their's, it might be similar."

"You're thinking."

"I might have an idea."

"And you're not going to share it with me."

"Don't want to get your hopes up."

"I like you Maria Hill. You're my new best friend."

"Do you have any friends?"

"Er, no, but you're still the best one."

"But if I'm the only one-"

"Shush, stop thinking it over and just take it as a compliment."

"Thank you. I like you too. Probably shouldn't, and you were annoying earlier, but you're all right."

"Better than what I normally get called. Shall I let you into a secret Maria? It was all a distraction, keep you focused on that instead of my hands."

"How did you do that?"

"I'll show you, but not right now. Old circus trick."

"That's my boss."

"That guy?"

"Assistant Director Fury."

"Huh. You're high up."

"I'm not, he was just my SO before he got promoted."

"Well then Agent Hill, take me to your assistant leader."

"That was terrible."

"I know. I'm so sorry."

* * *

"Clint? What are you doing here?" Maria asked as she stepped into Fury's office three weeks later.

"That's Agent Barton to you."

"She outranks you. She can call you what she likes."

"Anything?"

"Any version of your name."

"Yes sir, I understand sir."

"Sir?" Maria asked.

"I gave him a job."

"Wow. Congratulations Hawkeye. You're on the straight and narrow."

"Well, I'm still technically an assassin, I've just now only got one person to work for. But I get paid each month and it's reliable, that's a plus."

"And you're being promoted Agent Hill. Level Five."

"Thank you sir."

"Don't do anything like this again"

"No sir."

"Both of you will report to Agent Coulson for your next missions. Do not mess up Barton."

"No sir, I will do my very best."

"Dismissed."

The two of them left.

"This was your plan?"

"Well, I asked him what he thought, I didn't expect him to listen."

"Thank you."

"No problem. You helped me, I helped you. Besides, I thought we were friends?"

"We are indeed."

* * *

**Author's Note: There was a reason the based off was at the top. Everything follows it so it made sense. **


	20. Bruce x Betty, Science and Glasses

Bruce fumbled around, looking for where it looked like his glasses had fallen.

He jumped as the man almost walked into him, scrambling to get out the way and straight into the arms of the person behind him.

"Sorry."

"It's fine. Are you all right?"

"Fine. Just-"

"Lost something?" She smiled at him.

"Yeah. My glasses."

"Glasses?"

"They're for reading, I can still see, they're just down there somewhere and there's too many feet."

"I'll help you look."

"Thank you, but I'm fine, I mean, if you need to be somewhere, I'm fine, I appreciate it but-"

"My lecture's just finished."

"Oh."

"What do they look like?"

"Well, they're round with glass bits and things that go over your ears and, this isn't really helping."

"Just generic glasses then."

"Yeah."

"Are those them?"

"Yes. Thank you so much."

"Here you are."

"Thank you."

"They've got, er-"

"Just what I needed. Cracked glasses."

"Are you going to be all right?"

"I can see fine normally. I've just got reading I was supposed to do tonight, but I'll have to get these fixed. They'll work. It'll just be a bit, you know."

"I could help, if you wanted."

"You know how to fix glasses?"

"No, I could help with the reading."

"Oh. That makes more sense. Sorry. Erm, that would be great. What are you studying?"

"Cellular biology."

"Interesting. I'm nuclear physics."

"Really? I do enjoy a bit of physics, but biology's far more fun."

"Quite liked chemistry too. But I love the way physics makes sense, how it can look so complicated and explain something so simple, and the atom, it's just incredibly fascinating to understand the universe. And yet there's so much based on theory, you could disprove something tomorrow and the whole thing would come crashing down. But you could discover something tomorrow and discover more."

"That's exactly what I love about biology. Except you can see these things, you know they're there, and these tiny little things which would be useless alone, together they can create something as large as an elephant or as small as an ant, but essentially they're made of the same thing, it just fits together in a slightly different way."

"It's brilliant, isn't it? Science?"

"Yeah. Incredible."

"Oh, I'm going to be late, thank you so much for helping me find my glasses."

"No problem. Maybe we could meet up again some time? Continue this discussion."

"Sounds great."

"I'm free Friday? We could maybe meet up, get something to eat and talk science?"

"Sure. Erm, where?"

"Just outside?"

"By the tree?"

"Sounds wonderful."

"I'll see you then."

"Until then."

"Oh, I'm Bruce by the way. Bruce Banner."

"Betty Ross."

"It was lovely meeting you Betty Ross. I look forward to Friday."

"Don't forget."

"I won't. I really need to run, Friday."

"Go."

"I'm gone."

He didn't really pay much attention in his lecture. He was still thinking about Betty Ross.

Friday couldn't come soon enough.

* * *

_Based off: "I just lost my glasses can I hang onto you for a sec because otherwise this crowd is going to trample me" AU (awful-aus)_


	21. Hitchhikers and Cows

Clint slowed down, pulled down to first, stopped and put the handbrake on. The door opened.

"What the hell man?"

"No time to explain, just drive."

"It's a red light."

"Please."

"You want me to run a red light because you just jumped in my car? I don't even know you."

"I need to get out of here."

"And I need not to get caught breaking the law, yet you're still asking me to."

"Please."

"Look, I have nothing against hitchhikers, but just wait a minute."

"I can't."

"Is that the police?"

"Hide me."

He climbed into the back and tried to hide himself.

"There's a blanket somewhere," Clint said. "If you'd mind tell me what's going on."

"The less you know the better. Are they coming?"

"Yeah. Should I wait?"

"No."

"Am I your get away driver?"

"They're not the police."

"The lights are changing."

"Please help me."

Clint pulled the clutch up to bite and released the handbrake.

"Are we going to be followed?"

"Probably. Speed up."

"This is the speed limit."

"Then go faster."

"First you wanted me to run a red light, now you want me to speed, I need my license."

"You don't want to know what the alternative is. I didn't want to drag anyone into this."

"But you did."

"But I did and I'm very sorry."

"I'll help. I'm Clint by the way. Clint Barton."

"I'm Bruce."

"Bruce. So, preferably without speeding, where do you want to go?"

"I don't know. I need somewhere to lay low for a while."

"Well, I have a farm. I was going there anyway. Only needed to pick up some bits."

"You'd really let me stay?"

"Better than that lot catching up, I'm sure. But you owe me an explanation."

"Are they still following us?"

"Yeah, but there's a few twists in these roads, it shouldn't be too hard to shake them off. I'll just jump into a field."

"You can do that?"

"It's my neighbour's farm, he won't mind."

* * *

"I can't thank you enough for this," Bruce said as Clint pulled into the farm, no one else in sight.

"You could start by telling me who those guys were."

"Like I said, the less you know, the better."

"No, you're at my farm, you jumped into my car, you can tell me what's going on Bruce, if that's even your name. What if they find the camera footage from that traffic light and see you?"

"You're just a farmer, you're-"

"Too stupid to understand?"

"Nothing to do with this."

"I don't even know what this is."

"Just leave it. Please. Have you got a phone?"

"Yeah."

"Could I borrow it?"

"Won't those guys trace it?"

"Kind of a tech wizz, and some of my friends are pretty good hackers, they can't trace it."

"It's in the car."

"Thanks."

"I just need to finish fixing this gate, then I can cook dinner, if you want some."

"Thank you."

* * *

"So what are you doing now?"

"My friends are coming to meet me tomorrow, few miles south of here."

"Need a lift?"

"I can't ask you to do that."

"It's not a problem."

"You'll be in danger."

"At least stay the night. Pull up a bed. Get up early enough, you can help me with milking."

"You don't have to keep being nice."

"Sometimes people just need you to be nice."

* * *

Bruce was gone before Clint finished milking. He shrugged and headed over to the tractor. Someone was standing in front of it.

"Can I help you?"

"Clint Barton?"

"Yeah. Who's asking?"

"You're coming with me."

"Who are you?" The man flashed him some ID for some kind of army base. "I can't, I haven't fed the cattle yet or anything, I can't just leave."

"You don't have someone who can do that for you?"

"Yeah, but I'll have to call her."

"Five minutes."

Clint pulled out his phone and dialled Kate's number.

"Clint, it's six in the morning."

"Yeah, and I've been up for hours, listen Kate, can you do me a favour?"

"What?"

"Somethings come up, I'm going to be out of town for a few days, can you look after the farm for me?"

"What's going on?"

"I'm not sure I'm legally allowed to tell you everything, but I think I'm being arrested."

"Need me to post your bail?"

"Nah, it's fine, I'll just talk to these gentlemen. Everything will be fine, I just need someone up here. I've done the morning milking, but if you could do everything else please."

"I'm using your spare bed."

"Sure. Bring whoever you want. Don't throw a huge party and forget about my cows. I need to go, I'll be back soon."

"You'd better, or I'm coming looking for you."

"Not without finding someone to look after my farm you're not. Bye Kate."

"Bye Clint. Good luck with whatever."

He hung up and the man, soldier, took his phone and pulled Clint's arms into a pair of handcuffs in front of him, putting him in the back of a car.

"My brother's in the army. Do you know him? Barney Barton."

"I've never had the pleasure."

* * *

Clint sat in the room, hands still cuffed, waiting. An important looking person came in, holding a file.

"Clinton Francis Barton?"

"That's me. You are?"

"General Thaddeus Ross."

"Hello. I'd shake your hand, but." Clint wiggled them. The General didn't seem to get the point. "What can I do for you?"

"You used to belong to a circus."

"Yeah. They called me Hawkeye."

"Why did you leave?"

"Some dodgy stuff I'd rather not be part of started."

"Your brother joined the army."

"And I didn't want to shoot at people, that was where the disagreements had started. Barney found out this place still technically belonged to us, I came back. Had a bit of money from before, there was a very small amount left to us by our parents, Barney sent some home and I started getting it up and running again. I get the feeling that's not why I'm here."

"Yesterday a man entered your car while stopped at a red light."

"Yeah, hitchhiker guy, didn't get his name. I dropped him off near my farm, he said he was heading west."

"And that's all he said?"

"Yeah."

"This man's name is Doctor Robert Bruce Banner. He may be using Bruce. Now he's contacted you, he may do again."

"Who is he?"

"A very dangerous man. We may have to keep you here a few days, for your protection of course."

"Of course, but I've left a friend in charge of the farm, I can't just leave her, she has other commitments. And if he does go back there, I wouldn't want her to be in trouble."

"We wouldn't, would we? I can station a few of my men there, just to make sure she's safe should he appear again."

"Thank you."

The General left and Clint heard the door lock.

He was still in handcuffs.

Something told him he wasn't there for his own safety.

* * *

Clint stood as the lady opened the door.

"Follow me."

"Okay."

She lead him outside, to another car.

"Steve, I've got him."

"Great, let's get out of here before they notice. Tony?"

"Cameras are still on loop, as far as Ross is concerned, Bird Boy's still sitting in his cell."

"You're not army?" Clint asked.

"We're Bruce's friends," Steve said. "Definitely not army."

"So, you're what, bad guys?"

"No," Tony said. "Steve, you can go. We're not. They are."

"The army is the bad guys."

"Specifically Ross," the lady said. "Here, I'll help you out of those. You said Bruce went west."

"Yeah, well, they didn't let me finish the morning routines. Have you got any breakfast?"

"It's half past four," Tony said. "What do you want breakfast for?"

"Eating. I start milking at quarter past, I've normally eaten by this point."

"We can find something. I'm Natasha by the way."

"Where is Bruce?"

"Back at base camp with the others. We'll introduce you when we get there."

"No, I need to go home, my cows."

"You can't," Steve said. "They'll know you're gone, it's the first place they'll look."

"So I'm stuck with you."

"Yes."

"Well, why did you come and get me then? They would have let me go eventually."

"Ross wouldn't. He'd have got you for something, aiding and abetting maybe. He wouldn't have let you go."

"They would have, Kate would have kicked up a fuss, Barney might have, I've got a few friends who are lawyers, he might be blind, but he's good, I know how this works. I would have got out."

"Ross would have you done for aiding and abetting."

"And I would have told them everything I know."

"It's not that simple," Tony said. "There's some bad stuff going down. Bruce is a wanted fugative. And you gave him a lift and a bed. That's why we're here, he couldn't leave you once he heard. We're all very grateful."

"Ross wanted you to come and get me."

"Yes."

"I was bait."

"Yes."

"Oh, come on. I did not go through all of that to become bait and pretty much a hostage."

"You're not a hostage," Natasha said.

"Then let me go."

"It's too dangerous."

"And to think, I almost managed to leave all this behind me. My days of being a criminal are over, but no, here I am, as always, bad luck yet again."

"I found pictures of you in the circus," Tony said. "A purple leotard, really?"

"Wasn't my choice. I know you."

"Tony Stark."

"Stark Enterprise Tony Stark? I thought you were dead."

"Yeah, turns out stopping weapons manufacturing is not an option when your trusted friend and adviser is doing deals with terrorists and you're the biggest supplier to the army. Kind of regret proposing that one. Natasha got me out, we ran into Bruce and Steve, then the others."

"Hang on," Steve said. "I think we've got a tail."

"That's what happens when you go and get the bait," Clint said.

* * *

"We're going to have to move," Steve said to everyone in the room. "We were followed. "I think we lost them, but it's too risky."

"Told you this was a stupid idea."

"Thanks Tony."

"I wasn't talking about rescuing Bird Brain over there, I just meant in general."

"I'm so sorry about this," Bruce said.

"It's fine," Clint answered. "Could be worse. Kate's looking after my farm and Lucky."

"Good. This is Thor Odinson and that's Sam Wilson."

"Hi," Sam said.

"Greetings, my friend, a fine day it is."

"Thor, speak normal English."

"I apologise, your language is not the easiest."

"Sorry, he's Scandinavian, English is his second language, he doesn't always get it."

"That's fine," Clint said. "I don't always get it either."

"We're moving again?" Bruce said. "We won't all fit in a car, I doubt you want to risk public transport."

"We'll think of something," Natasha said.

"Don't you have a plan?" Clint asked. "Who are you all anyway, tell me everything."

"I was a captain under Ross, then Bruce found out was his research was going towards, so I got him out," Steve said. "Sam was a para-rescue who just kind of showed up one day and Thor, where did you come from Thor?"

"Thor just rocked up one day," Tony said. "Fixing some problems his brother had caused."

"My brother was working with the men who attempted to kill Tony. I aimed to stop him, I ended up following these people instead."

"And I worked for some bad guys back in Russia, I was fixing past mistakes, Tony needed help."

"So you're gathering this information from Ross to prove your cases, but you don't know how to share it yet."

"Exactly," Natasha said. "Though Tony has a friend Rhodey who might be able to help, he's Air Force."

"It's just getting there," Bruce said. "Without being arrested or anything."

"You want to travel undetected?" Clint asked. "I can do that. Haven't for a long time, but I can. When do we start?"

* * *

_Based off: "You just climbed into the passenger seat of my car while I was at a stoplight and said no time to explain just DRIVE" AU (awful-aus)_


	22. Steve x Peggy Space AU

"You won't get free Rogers."

"Let my crew go then Carter."

"I think I'll hold onto them a little longer."

"Don't you dare."

"They're being treated well Captain. I would have something to say about it if they were not."

"It's just me in these bonds."

"You're a very dangerous man Captain. There's been a bounty on your head for years. You'll have to tell me how you did it, evade capture for so long."

"Why don't you take a guess, Captain. You've been after us for as long as HYDRA has."

"I'm no captain. I'm a simple honest pirate."

"There's no such thing."

"And there's such a thing as an honest renegade and fugitive from their home world."

"Those people needed help. If it was against orders to help them, so be it."

"And you dragged your crew down with you."

"My crew knew what they were getting into. They could have left if they wanted. What have you done with them?"

"Like I said, they're being treated well. Your engineer's having a little catch up with an old friend."

Steve leapt at her.

She ducked out the way, spinning around as he dropped past and punched him in the face.

Damn, she was hot.

Good. He meant good. At fighting.

"Tut tut Captain Rogers, I told you to listen and be quiet."

"As soon as I get out of these bonds I'm going to incinerate your face."

"Well that's rude. You're going back to where you belong and getting me and my crew a nice pardon."

"I'm not going back. HYDRA aren't all they're cracked up to be."

"Oh you're not going straight back Captain. We are pirates, you know that. Well, there's something we have to steal first. From HYDRA. And you're our hostages."

"That won't stop HYDRA blowing you out of space."

"It will. They're very anxious to see you again Captain. We'll simply say we were delivering you to them, while two of my men sneak in."

"You want to steal from HYDRA?"

"Well they stole it first. I'm on a contact mission."

"You want the Tesseract."

"You know it?"

"I know of it. Who wants it?"

"Client confidentiality, you understand. I'll cut you a deal. You hep me get the Tesseract, I'll let your crew go."

"But not me."

"But not you. I need that pardon."

"You know what it is, don't you?"

"It's my ticket to retirement."

"It's too dangerous. They'll use it to destroy the galaxy."

"And HYDRA won't?"

"So. You propose we work together and for that you'll let my crew go."

"What say you?"

"Deal."

* * *

"Seriously? You agreed to that. You sat there and you thought that was a good idea."

"Come on Buck, it'll be fine."

"Steve. You agreed to break into HYDRA. We're going to die. Even if we don't get caught, they'll hand you over and you'll die."

"But you'll be free."

"No. No we won't. We'll be on the run from HYDRA without you and will probably try and save you and then die. We're all going to die."

"Nah, Cap'll think of a plan, he's always got a plan. Right?"

"Clint, you're like twelve, no one asked you. You're not even supposed to be here."

"I'm not twelve."

"It's all right," Natasha said. "We'll think of a plan to rescue the idiot over there."

"At least you look all right," Bruce said. "Medically speaking."

"Where are Sam, Rhodey and Tony?" Steve asked.

"Sam and Rhodey are down in engineering trying to get the ship up and running again. Tony went off with someone, I don't know where they took him. He'll be fine Steve."

"I can find him," Clint said. "I can fit through the air filtration system."

"No," Bruce said. "No you can't."

"I can."

"No."

"But-"

"No."

"You're no fun."

"It's dangerous."

"We're being held hostage by pirates so either HYDRA pardon them and we all die or we're fine but they have a weapon of infinite power and Cap dies. This is a lose lose situation, I think the filtration system is fine."

"Tony will be fine."

The lock on the door clicked and one of Carter's men came in.

"You're wanted on the bridge."

Steve stood and followed him, leaving his crew behind.

* * *

"The _Avenge_? Interesting name."

"She's a good ship."

"Well cared for."

"You're in my chair."

"You're not in charge here any longer Rogers. You're here to get us the Tesseract."

"It's not hard to find. No one's stupid enough to steal it."

"I prefer the term reckless. My contact is meeting us three quadrants over."

"And my crew?"

"Will remain in the brig unless they're needed."

"Three are missing."

"I told you where Stark is. And Dugan told me they told you about Wilson and Rhodes."

"Sam's not our engineer."

"But he did volunteer to help. I'm sure your Mr Stark will help later."

"Tell me where he is."

"With my Mr Stark."

"What?"

"His father I've been told. By the both of them. That's why we were looking for you Captain. Howard was looking for his son."

"You have Howard Stark. What did you do with him?"

"Nothing, he's a friend, he came by choice."

"He left his son alone at thirteen years old."

"He had you. Howard saw what HYDRA was doing, he didn't want Tony to grow up in that life."

"Yet he joined a band of pirates."

"It's one way to get free travel round the universe. He fixes my ship, I get him to where he wants to go. Then he heard about you jumping ship as it were, he's been looking for Tony ever since, trying to make sure his son's all right."

"Tony's an adult now, he can take care of himself. He made this choice, I told him to stay."

"You raised him well."

"I can't say I had a huge hand in that. Rhodey did the heavy lifting."

"Why did you join them?"

"I thought I was doing the right thing. Fighting for my home. But they're destroying more homes. I won't be part of that."

"You're an honourable man. A good man, I can see why your crew are so loyal."

"You swore to release them."

"I know, and I always keep my word."

"Doesn't seem like a pirate thing to do."

"I wasn't always a pirate. I would have been sitting where you are, but my ship was boarded. I was the newest recruit. Howard Stark was the engineer. Then they came. The crew managed to escape, and Howard tried to come looking for me, but they'd already left. So, rather than be a pawn, I volunteered to help. Found out about some of HYDRA's dealings. Worked my way up through this ship instead. Anything to spite HYDRA is all right with me."

"Who's your client?"

"His name's Thor. Embassy from Asgard."

"He knows how to deal with it?"

"His people are the original guardians of it."

"I can't trust you."

"No."

"But I will help you."

* * *

"Ms Carter."

"Thor. So wonderful to see you again."

"This is?"

"Captain Steve Rogers, formally of HYDRA, now a very dangerous reengage and vigilante."

"You trust him?"

"Far from it, we took his ship. Officially, he's our prisoner. We have his crew locked away. And we can exchange him for a pardon once we're done, getting my crew off scot free. He's here because he knows where the Tesseract is."

"It's off world," Steve said. "Far from any planets. The only reason you'd go there is to get to that base. The Tesseract is at the centre."

"So, we get in, get to the middle and get out. Piece of cake."

"Except they know me and most of my crew. And they know you."

"We'll have to risk it."

"There is one person they might not know."

* * *

"You want me to do what?"

"Natasha, please."

"Have you completely lost your mind?"

"This could be key to stopping them. And Thor checks out."

"You want me to steal something from HYDRA for a pirate who will then hand you over to them, you have, you've cracked. Even Clint wouldn't follow that order and he's fourteen, he follows all your orders."

"I'm not fourteen."

"Shut up Clint. Steve, I'm sorry, I'm not doing this."

"Nat. It'll work. If HYDRA don't have it, they'll start to lose their power."

"And that's why you're doing this. It's not because you think she's cute."

"What? No, this is about HYDRA."

"So you keep saying. You've been flirting over the communications line for at least two years now."

"I have not. And you're not going in alone Nat."

"HYDRA don't know me."

"Clint, no. Carter and I will go with you, cause a distraction. You'll grab the Tesseract, get out and then the lot of you will fly to a quadrant outside HYDRA's reach."

"What about the others?" Bruce asked.

"Sam and Rhodey will go with you. Tony's found his father, it's up to him."

"And you'll stay," Natasha said. "I'll help."

"Thank you."

* * *

It had been going so well. Natasha had eyes on the Tesseract. Carter and Steve were worming their way through the corridors, cutting through gaps and getting people out the way.

That had been ten minutes ago.

They were now running for their lives trying to find a ship to steal. Natasha had got the Tesseract onto the _Avenge_. Steve and Carter had missed it.

She went down. A blast to the knee.

"Get my crew out of here."

"Not without you."

"Dammit Rogers."

He picked her up and ran.

"This isn't how we do things."

"It's how I do things. No one gets left behind."

"Bloody honourable men and their bloody morals."

Steve jumped into a pod and took off. He could see the _Avenge_, clearly still waiting for them, but there were others hot on their tail.

Steve went the other way.

That didn't last long either.

"It could be worse."

"We're locked in the brig of a HYDRA spaceship on our way across the galaxy to await trail while my leg bleeds out, how could it be worse?"

"We're still alive. Here, I can stop your leg bleeding."

"How? You haven't got anything on you."

He took off his shirt and tied it round the top of her leg.

"There. That should help."

"Rogers-"

"Steve."

"What?"

"I figured, I'm half naked in a cell with you, the least you could do is call me Steve."

"Steve. I'm Peggy."

"Peggy. That's a nice name."

"Sorry I took your crew hostage."

"You were just trying to make sure yours was safe. I can respect that. You wanted to know how we kept evading capture. Tony's really good with tech. He throws them off course before we're even ready to land. Failing that, I've never seen Clint miss a shot."

"He's a kid."

"He's not that much younger than Tony. They're all quite young. Too young to be doing this."

"Says the guy who's barely reached thirty."

"I had a kid to look after. Not my kid, but a kid. You grow up quick. Clint's seventeen. But Nat's only eighteen. Tony's twenty two. Sam's twenty. Bruce is twenty four. Rhodey too. Then Buck and I are twenty eight. That's your secret to loyalty Ms Carter. We're too young to know any better. It's more like a family than a crew."

"And you're the dad."

"Yeah, I guess. Though oldest brother might be a better description, even though Bucky's technically older than me."

"You take care of them."

"I try."

"They love you. You can see it in their eyes."

"Yours as well."

"Dum Dum Dugan, Monty Falsworth, Jim Morita, Jaques Dernier and Gabe Jones."

"And Howard Stark does the engineering."

"And Howard Stark does the engineering."

"A life in space."

"It all started out so well."

"Everyone has a reason for going to space."

"Same reason as you at first. Go on, laugh."

"That would be hypocritical. Listen, Peggy, you could carry on with your reason."

"What, and go with you?"

"If you wanted."

"I'll think about it."

She smiled at him.

"Oh, you've still got no shirt on, aren't you cold?"

"I'm fine. It looks like it's stopped bleeding now anyway. Bruce would know what to do."

"I doubt it matters any more."

"Well that's pessimistic," Clint said, swing down from the air filtration system. "You know, this room really needs a cactus or something in it, it's so bland."

"What the hell."

"You said we weren't supposed to use that kind of language Cap."

"Clint."

"That's me."

"What are you doing here?"

"Rescuing you."

"It's too dangerous, where's everyone else?"

"Kind of everywhere. We didn't want to leave you."

"Go back to the ship."

"Cap-"

"That's an order Barton."

"So, you know I only turned up on your ship as a stowaway, does this mean I actually have to listen to your orders or not?"

"He's got a point."

"Don't encourage him."

"I'd listen to him," Tony said, appearing outside and tapping away on something until the glass slid up. "He's a pain in the neck, but we're not going anywhere without you Captain."

"Tony. Oh, what would your father say?"

"He's doing something in the engine room, so I'm guessing he'd say go help Steve."

"It's all clear," Sam said, running in. "Come on Captain."

Steve turned to Peggy.

"Come with me."

She took his hand and they ran.

* * *

"There you go," Bruce said. "All patched up."

"Thank you," Peggy said, examining the bandage on her leg. Steve smiled. He'd pulled a clean shirt on, and was over next to Clint who was lying on one of the other beds.

"All good to go then. Not you Clint."

"But I'm fine."

"You went inside the filtration system, who knows what you breathed in, probably far too much carbon dioxide, sit."

"Cap."

"Listen to Bruce. Ms Carter, perhaps I could show you round?"

"That would be delightful Captain Rogers."

He took her hand to pull her to her feet and showed her out the room.

* * *

"She is a nice little ship."

"She is."

"And our crews seem to be getting on well, given the circumstances."

"There's room for them. If, if you all wanted to stay."

"We only met earlier."

"But we've been talking on the communications line for far longer."

"Mostly exchanging insults and threats while we try and catch each other."

"It was fun. A nice break from the usual 'stop or we'll shoot you into the nearest star'."

"Howard kept telling me I was flirting and terribly."

"Funny, Natasha said the same thing."

"Did everyone think we were flirting?"

"Were you flirting?"

Steve turned red.

"You know, staying might be nice," Peggy said. "You want to bring down HYDRA, I don't like HYDRA, let's bring down HYDRA together."

"Allies over a common enemy."

"Indeed."

"Cap!"

"Sam."

"HYDRA are boarding."

"Where's the Tesseract?"

"Nat and Thor have it."

"Get there now."

* * *

"You fought well Captain," Thor said. "For that I thank you."

"They've never been able to get this close before," Steve said. "We need to get out of their quadrant."

"Asgard can offer you shelter."

"Thank you."

"And you, Ms Carter, thank you for the work you have done. I see your plan has changed?"

"Very much so."

"Do you need a lift?" Sam asked Thor. "We kind of lost your ship."

"That would be most kind of you, thank you."

"Cap?"

"Looks like we're heading to Asgard, Rhodey, did you get that?"

"Plotting the course now."

"I think we deserve a rest then."

* * *

"So you were flirting?"

"I don't know. Maybe. You're a very beautiful woman. And you're smart, brave, determined, cunning."

"You're loyal, kind, stubborn, brave. We fit quite well."

"Maybe, once this is over, we could go dancing?"

"I don't know if it'll ever be over."

"That's all right. I can't dance."

"I can teach you."

"I can't wait."

"Sir," Rhodey's voice came over the speakers. "We're being followed."

"Looks like we're taking the long road. Peggy?"

"To work we go."

* * *

_Based off: "You pirated my spaceship and took me and my crew hostage I s2g the second I get free of these bonds I'm going to incinerate your face" AU (awful-aus)_


	23. FitzSimmons, Edinburgh Zoo

Jemma nodded as he went on and on about monkeys. Did she know there are over 260 different species of monkey in the world, classified into two orders. Did she know it's estimated the evolutionary split between apes and monkeys is estimated to have happened around 40 million years ago. Did she know monkeys had fingerprints. Did she know the smallest monkeys are only around six inches long (and they go all the way up to three feet). Did she know moneys couldn't catch the common cold (actually she didn't know that one and wondered how on Earth he did). Did she know, did she know...

He started going onto separate species of monkeys then abruptly stopped.

"Sorry. Got carried away."

"No, please. I've never met anyone who knows so much about monkeys."

"I like monkeys."

"I can tell. Jemma Simmons."

"Leopold Fitz. Please call me Fitz."

"Have you been here long?"

"Only a few days. It's nice though. So, what brings you to Edinburgh Ms Simmons?"

"Just looking. I've had enough people telling me to visit Edinburgh and its zoo to think it was about time I did. So I'm up here for a couple of days."

"It's a nice city. Have you been up and down the Mile yet?"

"Where?"

"The Royal Mile. Big road, leads up to the castle. It's almost like Edinburgh's high street. There's all sorts up there."

"I'll have to have a look. The zoo was the first place I came."

"I finish for the day in two hours, if you wanted a guide round Edinburgh..."

"You're volunteering? That would be lovely."

"Really? Great."

"You can carry on telling me all about these monkeys."

"I'll, er, I can meet you at the front gate at five?"

"I'll see you there."

"See you later."

"Later. Don't get too carried away with the monkeys."

"I won't. Until five Ms Jemma Simmons. I should get back to work."

Jemma smiled to herself as she walked away while he started explaining something to some kids. Leo Fitz.

Tonight was going to be fun.

* * *

_Based off: I__ just started work at the aquarium and you made the mistake of asking about my favorite animal and I got really over-excited I'm so sorry AU (awful-aus)_

* * *

**Author's Note: Ended up being a zoo, not an aquarium, and it's only short.**

**I have a source for the monkey facts if you want it, but I can't link it in here because they don't like web addresses on here**


	24. The Incredibles Crossover

"Thanks. For not letting me get kidnapped or whatever by aliens."

"You should have told me Skye."

"I know Coulson, everyone was just acting like there's something wrong with it. Simmons thought it was some kind of disease."

"Simmons doesn't have the best experience with alien chemicals. It's not her fault. She was worried it had hurt you. Fitz knew."

"He switched my blood samples."

"Did he now."

"He was trying to protect me. So you wouldn't send me away. What are you going to do?"

"Send you away."

"What?"

"He's just coming," May said. "Need me to shoot you?"

"Either that are grab a fire extinguisher."

Coulson burst into flames and Skye leapt back. A few seconds later he stood there smiling.

"What the hell was that?"

"Behave yourself Jack, there's better ways to tell her."

"Sorry Uncle Lucius."

"Director Fury."

"Take a seat Skye, it's time you learned the real reason Coulson was put in charge of the Gifted Register. There's different types of powered people. You either get your powers when you're born or something kicks in when you're older. Unless you're like Jack here and a late developer."

"I got there in the end. Mine are way better than Dash's."

"You developed yours when your parents weren't there. And somehow Edna knew before they kicked in. That woman was good."

"I don't understand what's happening," Skye said. "I thought Coulson didn't have parents?"

"It was a cover, so he could keep his powers on the down low. Same as not many people know I'm married."

"You're married?"

"And can turn water into ice."

"I'm still lost."

"Back in the fifties and sixties people started being born with superpowers. They say it was to do with nuclear increases, hippies used that as an argument against the Cold War, in truth we'd been around for ages, it was only after Captain America superhero became a career choice. And he wasn't even a super. That's what we called ourselves. Jack's dad and I were two of the last. We were at it for a while, Mr Incredible as he was known even married another super, Elastigirl. Then he saved a man who tried to commit suicide and got sued and while stopping a bomb derailed a train. A kid got involved, just a normal kid but he wanted to be a super. So we went into hiding. The government helped. Some of them even had kids. My wife and I never did. But Jack's the youngest of three."

"Why do you keep calling him Jack?"

"That's my name. Jack-Jack Parr. Though please stick with Jack, Jack-Jack's fine until you're three. Or Coulson. I got used to Coulson."

"So your parents were superheroes?"

"Mr and Mrs Incredible. Though she stuck with Elastigirl. Just got a new outfit. My siblings were too, for a bit. The kid from before, he decided to be a super villain instead. And killed a lot of supers all to destroy my dad. I missed most of this, I was at home with the baby sitter, but they took out a robot together, my family and Uncle Lucius. Then the kid who wasn't really a kid any more, this is a few years later, he must have been almost thirty, came by, said he was the replacement babysitter and attempted to kidnap me to raise me as his son with the intent of then getting me to destroy my parents."

"What happened?"

"My father had super strength, my mother could stretch in any direction, he threw her in the air while I experimented with my new found powers and threw a tantrum."

"You threw a tantrum?"

"I was a baby."

"Sure. What happened then?"

"She caught me as I fell, and then someone hadn't listened to Edna because my dad threw a car and his cape caught in the jet engine and exploded."

"Suddenly I'm not so surprised supers had to go into hiding. Did things often explode?"

"There's a reason supers didn't come back after that," Nick Fury, or whatever his name was, said. "Numbers dwindled after a while. SHIELD set up the Gifted Register because they were noticing a rise in people with powers emerging later in life. Thought there might be a cause."

"Like me."

"Exactly like you."

"There's more?"

" just don't know where. They hide a lot too."

"So, to sum up, you're an ice superhero."

"Frozone."

"Right. You have a whole family of superheroes and have superpowers yourself yet didn't use them to save yourself from Loki."

"It was quick. The sceptre was poking out my chest before I could turn bullet proof."

"May's, are you are a superhero too?"

"No, I just work with them."

"So she's probably the biggest superhero of them all and now I have superpowers from some kind of alien thing and can't control them. Unless you're going to teach me?"

"Jack's sister, Violet, is good at this sort of stuff. It took her a while to figure out how to use hers too. She always was good with the invisibility, it was the force fields she had trouble with. But they'll mean even if you do get set off accidentally, she can stop it."

"You want me to go train with Coulson's big sister."

"There's a cabin, owned by SHIELD, Doctor Banner built it a while back. It's Hulk proof, safe. You can train there," Coulson said. "I'll call Vi, let her know we'll pick her up."

"I'll ready the Quinjet," May said. "While you pack your things and say goodbye to everyone."

"Just when I was starting to get settled."

"You're coming back Skye. We need you."

"I'll go and pack."

Simmons and Fitz appeared while she was packing with a bag of what was probably food knowing them.

"We heard you were leaving."

"We'll miss you Skye."

"I'm coming back. I just need to go and learn how to control superpowers with Coulson's sister. Did you know he was on the Gifted Register?"

"Coulson? Our Coulson?"

"That's not even his real name Simmons. You should ask him."

"We will. We brought you some things."

"Simmons made you some of her sandwiches. Lucky."

"I gave you one."

"Thanks," Skye said. "I'll be sure to check back with how good they are."

"They're great. Still can't believe Ward threw mine in a river, I should have known."

"Pardon?" Simmons asked. "Who did what?"

"Nothing."

"Skye, jet's ready," Hunter said. "See you around, I guess."

"Aww, Hunter, I'll miss you too. I should go say bye to Bobbi and Mack."

"See you soon," Simmons said, hugging her. "There's sill an internet connection, so we can talk."

"I'll keep in touch."

Skye said her goodbyes and spent most of the flight over with May in the cockpit. It wasn't far to the cabbin and Coulson hugged the woman waiting there. May helped Skye bring her stuff in, not that there was much of it and waved at Coulson's sister.

"Skye, this is Violet. She'll take care of you."

"I know you. Victoria Hand. Didn't you die?"

"Grant Ward shot me, but I can manipulate force fields, it wasn't hard to make one and pretend to die. Then I turned invisible and left."

"You have got one weird family, Coulson. Pretty awesome. But weird."

"You haven't met our brother," Violet, who was Agent Hand but wasn't, said. "And he's got the most normal powers."

"I'm normal."

"Jack, you can morph into some kind of demon thing."

"Fair point."

"This is surreal," Skye said.

"Just go with it," May said. "Always worked for me. It gets confusing otherwise."

"Trip's not going to magically walk out a corner alive is he, or is that too much to hope for?"

"I'd just focus on getting your powers sorted Skye. The other stuff will fall into place."

"Thanks May."

"Coulson, we should leave them to practice."

"Right. See you soon Vi. Good luck Skye."

"Bye."

They left and Skye turned to Agent not-Hand.

"Ready to get started?"

"I have no idea."

* * *

_Based off: Anonymous asked: So Samuel L Jackson voices Frozone in the Incredibles and my brother said "small Nick Fury". And it's set in the 80s or something, so that gives him 30 years to lose an eye and start working for SHIELD and basically, imagine if Nick Fury was actually Frozone (and maybe Phil's Jack-Jack all grown up and fighting HYDRA?)_

_omg and one day phil just spontaneously combusts? like that foreshadowing back in season one?_

_I lovE IT_

_(agents-of-frickle-frackle)_

* * *

**Author's Note: Technically another thing as well as a crossover and the ask was from way back in January but I have excuses for my brain. It was late and bored of essays.**

**Anyway.**

**Set after Series 2, Episode 12 so Sif's just left. **

**And happy birthday agentmarymargaretskitz, thank you for being lovely always and all the little conversations.**


	25. Bruce x Clint, Run

That didn't stop him the first time. Clint found Bruce in a little place in Brazil.

"Same place as before, Doc?"

"Come to drag me back to SHIELD?"

"AIM showed up again. We could use a hand? If you want."

"Do I have a choice?"

"Why wouldn't you?"

"Okay."

* * *

Bruce ran again a few months later. He didn't say why.

Clint caught a glimpse of a man who stood too rigidly not to be a soldier on the street corner.

"You tell General Ross if he lays a finger on Bruce Banner, he'll have me to deal with."

"Sir, I don't-"

"Tell him."

Clint found Bruce in Mexico, helping some people.

"Now?"

"Not yet."

"You're not going to ask?"

"You'd tell me if you wanted to."

* * *

It was already dark the third time. Bruce hadn't even left the country, he was sitting a field by a run down building in Ohio.

Clint sat down next to him, seeing the flowers. He didn't say anything.

"Beautiful, aren't they? The stars. Balls of burning gas. Atoms undergoing fusion, maybe in plasma state, thousands of light years away and we sit here and tell stories about them. The sun's a star, but these are so different. See that one there? The third one in Orion's belt, it's not a star at all, it's a nebula, the birth place of stars. And there, Alpha Centauri, that one's a binary system, two stars caught in each other's gravity. Then there's Sirius, the brightest star in the sky."

"You should talk to Jane Foster, she'd love this."

"I met her. A long time ago, I doubt she remembers, she was visiting Erik at Culver."

"There's that star, I know that one. The North Star."

"Polaris."

"As long as you can find Polaris, you can find your way home."

* * *

The next time, no one could find Bruce and Clint couldn't go. He'd not been lucky with his landing after HYDRA had shown up again and wasn't allowed to leave his room, the doctors had told him and Natasha had taken it upon herself to make sure he followed their instructions.

HYDRA resurfaced before he could and Bruce came back to help.

* * *

Bruce was gone for weeks the next time he ran. Clint found him in India.

"I brought a telescope. It's not a very big one, or a good one really, but I thought you might like it if you were going to do more stargazing."

"Why do you always come?"

"Someone has to. You're not alone."

* * *

"You can't keep chasing someone who will never stop running," Natasha said.

"I can try."

* * *

Bruce came after him next. He hung back, almost hiding. Clint nodded as he left, inviting him to join him.

"Who were you visiting?"

"My brother."

"You don't talk about your past."

"Neither do you."

"You know it already. You've read my file."

"I'd prefer to hear it from you."

* * *

"I like the quiet," Bruce said as Clint approached.

"There goes my reputation for sneaking up on people, thanks Bruce, I'll be out of a job next."

"I didn't hear you. I just knew you were there."

"How?"

"You're always there."

* * *

"He'll never stay," Tony said. "He's been running for too long. He doesn't know how to stop."

"I'll show him."

* * *

"I heard you and Tony." They were only just out of the city this time. "You ran too, didn't you?"

"For a long time."

"Why did you stop?"

"I found a reason to stay."

"Just like that?"

"For now."

* * *

Hulk hadn't even changed back to Bruce when he took off next. Clint couldn't say he blamed him, they'd been shooting at him too.

"Hi," he said, approaching Hulk. "Can I stay?"

He took the snort as a yes and sat down. He fell asleep at some point and woke with Bruce curled around him.

Clint covered him with his jacket.

"You always come."

"I do."

"Why?" Bruce sat up and looked at him.

"I told you."

"I know. But why?"

"You're going to run again, aren't you?"

"Tony was right. Are you going to try and stop me?"

"No."

"You can't come after me forever, Clint."

"Maybe not."

"And I can't stay."

"Perhaps not."

"I don't want to leave you."

"Then let me run with you."

* * *

_Based off: __"You can't keep chasing someone who will never stop running." (writers-are-writers)_


End file.
